SMOKES & DAGGERS

A mischievous mix of (mostly) news

SINN Féin tried to rename the Water Services Bill as the Water Services (Water Charges By the Back Door) Bill but was ruled out of order. Fianna Fáil’s Barry Cowen, pictured, had an alternative name, TV3’s Gavin Reilly revealed: ‘the Water Charges (or Fines by the Back Door for Those Who, Despite Every Effort and Assistance Being Given to Them, that is Contained in this Bill, that They Still Want to Leave Their Tap On, and Expect to Get Away With It) Bill.’ THE cultural director of the London Irish Centre, Gary Dunne, relates the following exchange between him and his child. ‘Dad, Dad! The Santa Wire came to our school last week!’ ‘The Santa Wire?’ ‘The SANTA WIRE! The big cup!’ The child meant, of course, the Sam Maguire. OCCASIONAL Irish Times columnist Niamh Towey related this tale, as part of an online campaign to raise awareness of sexual harassment, about a time she was shown the male appendage that she did not want or expect to see. ‘In a pub with my beloved granny when this aul lad up to his gills came to say hello to her with his fly down (unintentionally, I think) and nothing covering himself.’ The response is brilliant: ‘“The cage is open but the beast is tame,” Granny said. God I miss her.’ SIMON Harris’s ‘fact sheet’ on the Alcohol Bill contained a bit of good news: a pledge that the Guinness sign over St James’s Gate would not be taken down if the Bill was passed. MICHEáL MARTIN was canvassing with Darragh O’Brien TD and Senator Lorraine Clifford Lee this week in Dublin North when they met a woman who said she had a connection with an ex-minister based in Cork. ‘You know, the man who always has the lovely tan,’ said the woman. Eventually, they figured out that she meant Billy Kelleher, left, FF TD for Cork North Central and health spokesman. Martin was overheard asking that Kelleher be told to ‘cut back on the holidays’.