BMW’s X3 is truly, madly perfect
Bigger. Chunkier. Sportier. BMW’s upgrade of the X3 won’t win any prizes for creativity, but if you’re looking for understated brilliance...
BMW X3 ★★★★★
You either like the look of BMWs or you don’t.’ That seems to be the deal the Berlin motor works made with its customers about a million years ago. There has, of course, been the odd maverick moment of rather marvellous creativity along the way, like the current i series, the twilight Eighties Z1 with its insane drop-down doors, Pierce Brosnan’s gorgeous Z8 from The World Is Not Enough, and the sublime Fifties 507 roadster – check that baby out and let me know when you stop salivating.
Flashes of brilliance, alas, that only serve to make it ever more frustrating when yet another kidney-grilled clone comes off the production line.
Classy and elegant is one way to describe the new X3. Whatever the German is for ‘same old same old’ is another.
I’m not saying the result is by any means unattractive – it’s just all a bit meh. Grey-sky thinking taken to the Nth degree, compounded by an inexplicable, insatiable demand for modern SUVs to be stupidly, unnecessarily over-practical. A brief that only plays into BMW’s already overly practical psyche, increasing the probability of them churning out the most risk-averse box-ticking design in motoring history.
That said, the all-new X3 is annoyingly faultless.
Open the fully automated tailgate and behold the most generous of cargo holds, complete with myriad hooks, cubbyholes and anchor points all from the desk of Captain Sensible and his minions. As is the floor panel – reassuringly supported by a thoughtful gas damper, so that one is not compromised having to prop it up oneself – and behold, yet another nifty cavity. Next, pull gently on the recline lever and gasp in wonder as the rear seat backs fold down, with attendant German precision and triple – quadruple even – that already massive luggage space.
The comparative bulk of the rear doors is the only perceptible giveaway that this is the baby brother of the more grandiose, longstanding X5. That said, this X3 is still bigger than the original X5, which tells us all we need to know about how important scale has become.
Talking of which, in the back, there is ample comfort and support in a typically Teutonic environment of well-trimmed quality leather and first-rate finishes. Jump in the front and there’s yet more binary perfection on display. The glamorous panoramic roof canopy, by no means a bargain extra for a couple of grand extra, helps to bring some light and life to the vast cabin. Thank God, otherwise one could be forgiven for thinking you’re sitting in either a 5 or 7 series saloon – because they’re all the same! Mind-numbingly consistent, like a Premier Inn, or a Sausage & Egg McMuffin.
Under the bonnet is BMW’s stalwart 3.0-litre straight six engine, boasting a highly respectable 265hp, but far more impressively, a whopping 620nm of torque. Which is a) insane and b) bloody fantastic in any of the three driving modes: Comfort (very smooth, plenty of power), Eco Pro (a little bit too restrained), and Sport and Sport+ (mildly exciting for a while but I suspect most X3 owners will go back to Comfort after the first few weekends).
Handling-wise, here we have an SUV that drives more like a jacked-up 5 or 7 series than a run-of-the-mill Chelsea tractor, effortlessly compliant, with minimal body roll, a satisfying kick down and more than
enough feedback to make driving fun, perhaps even verging on stimulating. The only caveat being the xDrive intelligent allwheel drive system, which zaps a few of those available ponies along the way.
That said, the resultant extra grip is more than a fair swap.
Right, confession time. Two days in and I had become reluctantly bowled over by BMW’s unquestionable prowess for producing understated brilliance. A state of affairs I was not at all happy about. I am simply not ready to be this grown up. I reserve the right to make decisions that are not entirely in my best interests or those of my nearest and dearest. Which is why, though personally I would still not consider an X3 as a daily drive for a single moment, this point of view placed me firmly in a minority of one.
My wife loved this car – ‘it’s like a Range Rover, only cooler,’ she cooed. And then the future generation weighed in. ‘Dad! There’s not only a massive touch screen, but swivel control, gesture control and voice control,’ said Noah. ‘You can have all six main function apps open at the same time, and you can also pull up the weather forecast anywhere in the world for the next three days. There’s also a global rainfall radar and you can ask it where the nearest Christmas tree farm is and it will not only tell you but flash up a picture of the farm gate [Pines and Needles – 13.4 miles away, in case you were wondering]. Dad, this car is so not dull. You have never been more wrong about anything.’ ‘All right, I surrender!’ This is undoubtedly a fabulous ‘not dull’ car and at an on-the-road price of €70,040 it might also qualify as vaguely reasonable (and with the ‘sterling saver’ deal some Irish dealers are offering 9% off that price). The only issue being that the 15 chargeable options out of the 24 fitted to my test model saw this figure swiftly rocket by another €15,000 or more. That said, could any of us find a genuinely better car for less money? I suspect not.
In which case, if you hate surprises, then this could be the perfect non-surprise for you. Five stars all the way and anyone who claims otherwise is wrong, including me.
Not that I’m about to. I mean, I was, right up until one of the dads at school pulled up in his white, 2010 X3.
I cannot tell you how different they look, side by side, in the flesh. The new X3 comes across so much chunkier, sportier, bigger, modern and more attractive all round. A fabulous new shape then, surreptitiously designed to not scare anyone away.
Which, I suppose, is German for some kind of genius.
‘IT’S LIKE A RANGE ROVER, ONLY COOLER’ SAID MY WIFE