Chris Evans on Renault’s new so-so Koleos
...not by the decent yet uninspiring new Renault Koleos, perhaps, but by our man’s top Christmas tips!
There is no point in beating around the bush here. With next week’s column already spoken for, starring our top ten cars of 2017, this is our last regular review column before Santa takes to his sleigh. Which, I regret to say, is not as inspiring as one might have hoped, mainly due to the car. The Renault Koleos is, at best, average. With this in mind therefore, I propose we intersperse the Koleos review with killer Christmas tips guaranteed to help your festive celebrations sparkle even more brightly.
KOLEOS
What does the word Koleos actually mean? In Greek, ‘sheath’ apparently, or if you prefer a Latin interpretation, how about ‘testicle’. That’s all I could find. No, I have no idea either.
CHRISTMAS
Employ all available household radiators as temporary plate warmers as the oven will already have its work cut out and the kitchen will have become a general exclusion zone.
KOLEOS
Even though from most angles it seems relatively contemporary and the paint job has a nice, highend metallic finish to it, there is little to actively grab one’s attention.
CHRISTMAS
Use the tops of double radiators as temporary wrapping paper dispensers.
KOLEOS
The fully automated tailgate reveals substantial luggage space, more than adequate for most families’ requirements, although the retractable privacy cover is a bit hit-and-miss and fiddly to deploy.
CHRISTMAS
For a far less messy transfer from car to house, swaddle your Christmas tree in an old duvet cover.
KOLEOS
The fold-down seat backs are operated via two manual levers
‘THE HEATING CONTROLS ARE ALMOST PAINFULLY HARD TO OPERATE’
located on either side of the boot compartment. These are unnecessarily cumbersome and awkward to operate.
CHRISTMAS
Chop a thin disc off the bottom of your tree every year and begin a collection of dated festive place mats, from Christmases gone by.
KOLEOS
In the rear passenger compartment, the first thing you notice is how deep the seat cushions are, making them extremely comfortable. All rather wonderful, unless you are the poor unfortunate who has to sit in the middle, where it feels like the lumbar support is fully wound into your back and headroom is reduced to elf height.
CHRISTMAS
To avoid nail damage, use a hair dryer to sweat off bothersome sticky price labels from gifts before wrapping.
KOLEOS
The overall feel and theme of the interior is unimaginative and uninspiring. For example, the ambient lighting comes across more as an afterthought than as an intrinsic part of any ambitious, grand design.
CHRISTMAS
When decorating your tree, pin little photographs of absent family and friends to the branches so they can still be part of all the usual shenanigans.
KOLEOS
Up front there is a brace of extremely comfortable thrones for the driver and his mate to sink into, but once again this is juxtaposition with a lack of attention to detail elsewhere. Like the rather confused and deluded sliding central armrest, which has a tendency to block the cup holders and snag anything plugged into the USB sockets.
CHRISTMAS
To serve the perfect gravy, Grandma Win suggests, pop it in a teapot! It’s big enough to serve all the family and the lid keeps it warm. Genius.
KOLEOS
The central function screen is bordering on archaic by today’s standards. The menus suffer from a transatlantic delay and at one point the sat-nav buffering saw me halfway to my destination before it could figure out where I was and begin calculating a route.
CHRISTMAS
Use the squint Christmas tree light test. Once you have hung your lights, turn all other lights off, stand back and squint to spot any bare patches. Amazing!
KOLEOS
The heating controls are almost painfully difficult to operate compared to most other modern systems.
CHRISTMAS
When wrapping presents, always use a Pritt Stick to hold the paper in place before you get to grips with the sticky tape.
KOLEOS
When it comes to firing up the slightly van-like sounding diesel engine, unless the clutch pedal is buried deep into the carpet, the starter motor will not want to know. Once up and running, however, the 177hp available – backed up by a mighty 380Nm of torque – means there’s surprisingly little hanging around. This, despite the incumbent drivetrain drag of a 4x4 system.
CHRISTMAS
Place ice cubes in dents in the carpet made by furniture that has been moved around. Twenty-four hours later, no dents!
KOLEOS
The six-speed manual gearbox is not the smoothest in the world. Apparently, there is a much friendlier seven-speed auto box out there somewhere.
The brakes are adequate. The handling is OK.
CHRISTMAS
Rest your turkey, for at least an hour before even thinking about getting the carving knife out.
KOLEOS
In summary, the Koleos starts from €34,490 for the 1.6-litre 130bhp Signature Nav dCi. The Signature dCi 2.0-litre 175bhp starts from €40,490 before extras are added.
So, it’s not cheap and – in which case – cue the chomping of market rivals such as the Skoda Karoq, Nissan X-Trail and Kia Sorento.
CHRISTMAS
Achtung, achtung, achtung! Achoo, achoo, achoo! Cough, splutter, snort!
This is your official warning, you only have seven days to acquire and get rid of the nation’s annual, mandatory Christmas cold before the big day. I caught mine from Adam Clayton of U2, gave it to my wife and she passed it on to the kids. Rock’n’roll and vapour rub.
In the meantime, happy holidays my friends and lots of love to you and yours.
Normal service will be resumed back here on New Year’s eve with the brand new Kia Stinger, the Korean firm’s first ever lux sports limo. Can’t wait.