Feel free… to be unpopular
NICK BAGOT
The notion that you should be happy for people to dislike you is one of many eyecatching ideas in this self-help book, which revives the concepts of Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Sigmund Freud.
It’s a collaboration between a Japanese philosopher and writer and has topped the bestseller charts in their home country, where the desire to be liked is virtually hard-wired into the national psyche.
Adler founded the Vienna Psychoanalytic Society with Freud in 1908 but the pair ultimately came to very different conclusions about the treatment of psychological problems. Contrary to Freud, Adler believed one’s past is no excuse for current behaviour – so no blaming your divorced parents for your own marital troubles – and that old emotional traumas should simply be consigned to history, not raked over with a therapist. He also argued that anyone miserable, lonely or isolated is actually perpetuating their own misery by choosing to pursue unhappiness.
The book takes the form of a conversation between a philosopher and a young sceptic, the former dispensing Adlerian advice on how to find happiness and the latter questioning the sage’s grand assertions.
The naive youth soon discovers everything he thought he knew about human relationships is wrong: for instance, children should never be rebuked OR praised (you’ll give them an inferiority complex either way); anger is simply a mental construct that helps one achieve a ‘goal’ (the waiter spilled my drink, I want to make him feel bad, so if I become angry I can shout at him) and you really shouldn’t worry if people dislike you (it’s a sign you’re living a truly free life).
By the end of the conversation, the youth is convinced he has the tools he needs to change his life for the better and that those interpersonal relationships he previously found so complicated are in fact quite simple to navigate. You may not be so easily persuaded but the ideas proffered here will certainly make you think twice about the real cause of the emotional drama in your life. Thought-provoking.