James was so tiny we had to get his casket specially made
WE didn’t know where to start with James’s funeral. i should have been pushing him on the swings, not picking out a casket for his body. A body that was so tiny that in the end we had to have one specially made.
i did ask if i could see him one last time but i was advised by the police not to. i didn’t get a chance to touch my little boy, kiss him goodbye or tell him how much i loved him. Perhaps it was for the best. i am glad that i get to remember his cheeky face the way it always looked. i don’t think i could have survived any more agony.
i picked his outfit – the corduroy suit he wore on his last Christmas day. i finished it off with a cream roll-neck and some white socks. i decided not to put shoes on him, i’m not sure why.
they packed the suit neatly into a bag along with his favourite teddy, a toy motorbike and a torch – he always took his torch to bed so that he could see in the dark and not be scared, so it was really important he had that with him in his coffin.
Ralph and i cried until i didn’t think there were any tears left. i just felt like i had let James down and, in all honesty, if i couldn’t have him back then all i wanted was to be curled up in that casket with him.