I’m no weirdo schlubby dad in a Mexican shack who drinks beer and lives on McDonald’s
THOUSANDS of stories have been written about me, most of them bull***t. I’ve given two interviews. This is my third. Things have been made up, spun around and others are outright lies…
I’M a drunk because I’ve been photographed buying beer.
I BUY beer for the guards at the gatehouse at the compound where I live. Sharon Osbourne accused me of being an alcoholic the other day. How dare she? I drink the occasional glass of red wine with dinner because it’s good for my heart. How can Sharon Osbourne criticise me? My family might be dysfunctional but it’s nothing compared to hers.
THE FICTION I FAKED my heart attack. When reporters called the Chula Vista Medical Center where I was treated they denied I’d ever been in there.
YOU have a right to privacy when you go into hospital. I didn’t want my name out there but they [reporters] still found me. I had to escape through a building site at the back of the hospital and then I went to a safe house, a tiny rented flat, which is where I watched the wedding. I have the medical bills to prove I had a heart attack. The insurance bills were $140,000 and I have to pay $20,000 of it as excess.
MEGHAN lived with her mother after we divorced when she was six and I only had limited contact with her because I was working all the time.
MEGHAN lived with me from the age of 11 until she went off to college after high school. Before that I saw her all the time. I dropped her off at school every morning when I went to work and arranged for someone to bring her to the set [of TV shows he worked on such as Married, With Children and General Hospital) after school. We were very close. I took her to her dance and drama classes. I would help build sets for her drama classes. I would help stage her shows. I would always take her to CC Browns. It’s shut now but it was an ice cream parlour on Sunset Boulevard. We
Meghan has asked me to stop talking to Samantha. I have two daughters, I can’t stop talking to one of them. I love Meghan but I also love Samantha
also went to Hamburger Hamlet. Then we would rent old dance movies. We watched every Busby Berkeley movie. She loved them. She wanted to be a dancer at first.
THE FICTION I LIVE on McDonald’s meals.
I EAT a mostly fishbased diet. I go to McDonald’s because when you’re my age after a two-hour drive it is a good place to pee. I get take-out fish from McDonald’s. I’ve lost 40lb since my heart attack. I eat fish and vegetables and stay on a 2,000 calorie-a-day diet.
I’M a loser who mooches off my daughter and the Royal Family.
I HAVE been nominated for eight Emmys [the TV equivalent of the Oscars] and won three. I’ve travelled all over the world. I did declare bankruptcy before I went down to Mexico but that was because I was in credit card debt and I wanted to wipe the slate clean. They were trying to charge me 28% on the credit card debt and I refuse to pay that kind of crazy interest. I’ve never taken a penny from Meghan and I’ve never cashed in on the Royal Family. I’ve been offered hundreds of thousands of dollars to do talk shows and I’ve turned everything down.
I’M a self-pitying narcissist who’s been talking constantly to the press.
THIS is only the third interview I’ve given. All the other stories are crafted from the three original stories and most of them are lies. I’m not crying or feeling sorry for myself.
THE FICTION I HAVE several illegitimate children.
THEY are simply close friends. One child is the daughter of my ex-housekeeper and her very nice husband who are good friends to me. Every time I try to help someone it gets turned into something tawdry. I don’t like that every time I’m with friends I am trying to help it gets turned into something sleazy.
THE FICTION I WAS not involved in Meghan’s life.
MEGHAN herself has talked about how I was there. I don’t have to say it. She says I was there. The social activism she is so proud of is something I always encouraged. We bought turkey dinners and took them to the homeless. We would drive up and down Hollywood Boulevard and hand meals out to the needy. She’s talked about that.
When she was given a form at school to fill out her race and it was black or white she didn’t know what to mark down because she didn’t want to hurt her mother’s feelings or mine. She came home and said ‘I don’t know what to do.’ I told her: ‘Make your own box.’
‘HURT’: Thomas Markle with Meghan when she was younger