Not bulletproof or caked in diamonds …but at least I can avoid a soggy bottom

Stand up comedian, singer, actress, blogger, parental rights campaigner and café entrepreneur, SHARYN HAYDEN talks money, business… and how to get a piece of lego out of your child’s nose.

A lot of people secretly dream of doing any one of the things you’ve done. What’s the secret?

I just compartmentalise everything and get it done in manageable chunks. And I go to bed really, really early about three times a week.

You’ve opened the Skinny Batch Deli in Rush, north Co. Dublin, and a sit-down café and bakery is soon to follow in nearby Lusk. How much does it cost to open a café?

It really all depends on the location and the kind of building you are dealing with. Our new location in Lusk is a modern building, so there aren’t hidden expenses that catch you out financially – like having to replace a roof or an old wiring system. If the building is fit for purpose it’s the ideal place to start. My husband Alan fits out restaurants for a living. We were able to dip into our resources to create something great that didn’t cost what we couldn’t afford. Actually now that you’ve asked, I’m afraid to add it all up! We dipped into personal resources including our creativity. Our menu boards are hand-painted chalk boards. A friend and I painted the exterior. I stayed up until 3am baking most nights until we got our levels right.

Skinny Batch? That sounds a low-calorie bakery. Is it Sharyn, is it really?

We have a beautiful salad bar and a box of chewing gum on the counter for the calorie counters. The rest of the shop is made up of cake and everyone loves cake.

Biggest challenges? Were banks nice to you?

There are no banks in either Rush or Lusk and the nearest local ones close at weekends, lunchtimes and don’t have night safe facilities. Shall I say any more?

Best piece of advice?

‘You do you, Sharyn’: Davey Boylan, our local butcher and general legend.

What gets your goat most? Rates – or people never finishing their coffee?

One hundred per cent rates. Especially in a once-adorable seaside town like Rush, which has essentially become a safe haven for owners of commercial buildings that are allowed to remain derelict up and down our main street. I don’t mind paying rates but I would like to see the council care about the town as a whole in return.

Vogue Williams was recently attacked on social media for going back to work eight days after giving birth. What do you think about how parents are treated, especially self-employed ones?

Alan and I didn’t have paternity or maternity leave when our kids were born. I had a comedy show with Joe Rooney when Jacob was about three weeks old – in hindsight, I wish I’d had the foresight to give myself a little bit more time to relax but when kids are on the way (and especially when it’s your first, I think), the natural instinct to work and earn money for your offspring can turn you into a bit of a lunatic.

What about tax and social welfare treatment of the selfemployed?

Thanks for reminding me about this – my rage levels just went through the roof! I suppose it’s a lot like parenting – there isn’t much time to be sick (or much sympathy either) and it’s not possible to not bother if you don’t feel like it. The perception that just because you own a business means you must be both a) bulletproof and b) dripping in diamonds gives me the ‘lols’, believe me.

What can we do?

Small businesses should be supported in a completely different way to large companies. We pay the same taxes, rates, employer liabilities as big corporates but without the offshore bank accounts.

In your parenting blog, the funniest story is How to Get A Piece Of Lego Out of A Child’s Nose. In the interest of national health and safety, can you please share this essential piece of information?

Ha! Well, in all cases where your children test your nerve (approximately 742 times per week, FYI), please try to remain calm. When my daughter Eva placed the tiniest piece of Lego up her nose – because she didn’t want to lose it – I sat her on the counter top and got her to gently breathe through her nose until it popped out. I’ve since learned another trick is to hold the non-blocked nostril gently shut and blow through your child’s mouth to dislodge whatever is up there. Godspeed!

Primary school costs a grand a year, according to a new study. How do you find school costs?

My son’s primary school takes care of him, educates him, exercises him, feeds him, nurtures him and genuinely cares about his well-being from 9am to 2.45pm from Monday to Friday every week. As far as I’m concerned, they can have whatever they want – money, coffee, cake, a lend of my mother… I love them!

Guilty treat?

The Great British Bake Off

and the biggest bowl of nachos I could get my hands on.

What would you do if you were a minister?

I just walked past seven abandoned three-bedroom houses in Rush yesterday. I would get all the halffinished houses in housing estates around the country complete and looking beautiful for all those families who are sleeping rough.