So, Alan Sugar, what’s it like to be the most divisive and disagreeable person on TV? You talking about yourself again Piers?

The gloves are off as our TV Week columnist faces The Apprentice star in major big-mouth bout

I’ve known Alan Sugar for 25 years. Contrary to the deliberate perception of mutual enmity that we fuel on Twitter, we’re actually very good friends. Yet we’re the kind of friends who delight in mocking each other at every opportunity – especially in public. He’s been very happily married to the same woman, his childhood sweetheart Ann, for five decades.

They have three children, who all work in the family business, and myriad grandchildren. Alan Sugar’s best friends are the same ones he’s had since he was a kid.

In many ways therefore, he’s refreshingly down-to-earth… for a billionaire. But he’s also the single most cocky, smug, irritating wind-up merchant I know, and one who likes nothing better than poking fun at me... PM: ‘Nervous?’ AS: ‘Why should I be nervous of you?’ PM: ‘Because I have a lot of ammunition to fire at you.’ AS: ‘Listen, I’ve had Blair’s top lawyer [the former UK attorney general, Lord Goldsmith] cross-examine me in court and he lost. So you carry on.’ PM: ‘What does it feel like to be the most disagreeable, over-opinionated, polarising and divisive person on British TV?’ AS: ‘You talking about yourself?’ PM: ‘No, I’m talking about you. Do you dispute any of those descriptions?’ AS: ‘Absolutely. Go through them again…’ PM: ‘Disagreeable.’ AS: ‘Erm… not really, no.’ PM: ‘Oh come off it, you’re the single most disagreeable person I’ve ever met. Even in the planning of this interview you were uniquely disagreeable.’ AS: ‘Sometimes I disagree just for the sake of it, just to annoy people.’ PM: ‘Do you admit to being over-opinionated?’ AS: ‘I’m not over-opinionated, because I’m always right. And anyway, this is pot-bloody-kettle stuff, isn’t it?’ PM: ‘Do you accept you’re polarising and divisive?’ AS: ‘I don’t think there are many haters. On social media, compared to you I’m the most beloved person in the world.’ PM: ‘How many people follow you on Twitter?’ AS: ‘5.3 million.’ PM: ‘6.4 million follow me. So I have over a million more followers than you, which makes me about 20% more popular than you.’ AS: ‘No, that doesn’t mean they like you. They just follow you to laugh at you.’ PM: ‘If we had a physical fight, who would win?’ AS: ‘You’re a big boy and I’m 71 years old, so you would. You’re 18 years younger and weigh about ten stone more.’ PM: ‘When was the last time you had a fight with someone?’

AS: ‘In the early Seventies in my factory. I chased a bloke out into the street and whacked him. He was being insubordinate. He was a driver delivering to another business on another floor and kept his finger on the bell for hours, driving me mad. Eventually I went down to him and said: “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He was the size of Ray Winstone and came running at me like a flaming lunatic, so I thought I had no choice but to whack him over the head with a clothes rail. Then he whacked me a couple of times before others ran over and pulled us off each other.’ PM: ‘What’s the closest you’ve come to punching someone since then?’ AS: ‘I think about doing it every single day!’ PM: ‘You recently said you want to have Botox?’ AS: ‘No, I do not.’ PM: ‘You did. You told your Apprentice winner Dr Leah Cotton that if she made £1million with her cosmetics business, you’d have Botox.’ AS: ‘Yes, but there’s more chance of getting struck by lightning. Let her make a million quid and I will reluctantly have Botox. A promise is a promise.’ PM: ‘Why have you got so little faith in your winner?’ AS: ‘I’ve got a lot of faith in her. But if she makes a million, it will be a miracle.’ PM: ‘It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve had plastic surgery, would it…’ AS: ‘I had my eyes done in America, around the same time you had your teeth done…’ [FYI: I’ve not had my teeth ‘done’.] PM: ‘Was it just vanity?’ AS: ‘Vanity and also because the bags under my eyes were getting on my nerves.’ PM: ‘How much did you pay to remove the bags?’ AS: ‘I can’t remember.’ PM: ‘£20,000?’ AS: ‘NO! Don’t be ridiculous.’ PM: ‘Well if you can’t remember, how would you know?’ AS: ‘Because I know I wouldn’t spend that amount on it.’ PM: ‘Were you pleased with the results?’ AS: ‘Yes, though I was very bruised for a while.’ PM: ‘You’ve obviously dyed your hair too?’

AS: ‘WHAT?! Don’t be daft, this is natural grey, mate! Ask Ann – she’ll tell you. Can you imagine me with jet black hair?’

PM: ‘You’ve just come from making a speech in the House of Lords attacking Jeremy Corbyn for being anti-Semitic.

PM: ‘WHAT’S THE CLOSEST YOU’VE COME TO PUNCHING SOMEONE?’ AS: ‘I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY.’