Aisling O’Loughlin Marriage is no picnic
Michelle’s searing honesty on her tough times with Barack Obama
Can you imagine if Barack Obama revealed there were times during his marriage that he felt like pushing Michelle out of a window? You can see the phantom headline: US President Mentally Throws First Lady From Oval Office Window Following Row Over Whose Turn It Was To Empty The Dishwasher.
In these chastened times, guys aren’t allowed to use such violent terms about women but it seems it’s OK for the ladeez. This week, the former First Lady told Conan O’Brien in her Michelle Obama podcast: ‘There were times that I wanted to push Barack out of the window. And I say that because it’s like, you’ve got to know the feelings will be intense.
‘But that doesn’t mean you quit. And these periods can last a long time. They can last years.’ Sorry what? Years? Years of wanting to push your spouse out of a window? Jeez. That’s certainly intense. It makes me think maybe I’m right to avoid the nuptial net. As Mark Twain once wrote, ‘Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.’ And babies, according to the Becoming author, changed everything.
On her Spotify podcast the former first lady told her 42 million followers that becoming a mother was the first time she felt ‘the sting of gender roles’ in their marriage, with Barack living his best life at the gym and beyond while she found herself at home with cabbage on her boobs to ease the pain of breastfeeding.
Another former first lady who found herself adrift in domesticity and societal obligation was Eleanor Roosevelt who said: ‘The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.’ Her brilliant mind survived the child-bearing years, but it would appear the marriage to Franklin D did not, although they stuck it out to the end, for better or for worse, living separately but together.
Which makes me think: Can anyone really give marriage advice? Surely, nobody but the couple can reach their own conclusion on the union. Should anyone really have to endure years of fantasising about dumping their ‘ball and chain’ out the window? Is this really a benchmark for a successful marriage?
Remember when half the country was taking marriage advice from priests? Who has the moral authority to guide on such a delicate matter? Certainly, coming to some kind of arrangement for the sake of the kids makes sense, where possible. It’s not always possible.
The late writer Maeve Binchy used to say, you could tell a marriage was in trouble by the amount of ‘darlings’ a couple called each other in the space of an hour. By the end of our romantic relationship Nic and I would joke about the way we called each other ‘darling’, usually through gritted teeth or eyes raised to heaven. Still, we’re doing all right separated but united for the kids, meeting each other with more understanding than ever before. It’s something nobody could have predicted, not even ourselves. Next month, the Obamas celebrate 28 years of wedded, not-always-bliss. Considering what they’ve achieved in that time, there’s certainly an argument for holding strong, in good times and in bad.