Health: How to balance the divided self

How knowing and accepting the two parts of yourself can help you navigate life and the difficult times we all encounter

In this edited extract from The Self-Love Habit by Fiona Brennan, Fiona will cover the importance of the conflict between the two parts of yourself: the Beholder (the true, unconditioned self – Part A) and the Shadow Self (the conditioned self – Part B), the four blocks to self-love, and why understanding the purpose of the Shadow Self will help you to accept, love and, above all, learn from your ‘darker’ side. We will also examine the role of the ego and in particular the perils of an inflated one.

PART OF ME

How decisive are you? Reflect for a moment on a time when you had to make an important decision in your life. Examples may include deciding which college to attend, which house to buy, whether or not to live abroad, whether to apply

for a new job or aim for a promotion, whether or not to start your own business, whether to get married or stay single, whether or not to try to have a child or a second child, which school to send your child to, whether to endure invasive treatment if you got ill or let nature take its course, or whether to put a parent into a nursing home or to take care of them yourself. As you ponder these lifechanging, pivotal choices that most of us have encountered at some stage (and many of which are referred to in the introduction as part of the conventional calendar), you may recall that at the time, part of you felt one way and another part felt entirely differently. There may have been a divide in your mind, an uncertainty; two different voices with two conflicting opinions, one part of you desperate for a change and another full of doubt. In the end, one of these voices prevailed. Recognising the impact of these conflicting parts and whether the decisions were driven by fear or made from a place of love is central to taking full responsibility for running your life.

Sadly, fear often reigns in the decisions we make, but living in internal conflict is brutal and unnecessary.

In this chapter, I will illustrate that the division of the self is not just present in making major life decisions, but is a consistent weight that is present in almost every thought we have and every action we take. We battle with ourselves over routine daily habits such as whether to go to the gym, have a second piece of toast, visit our mother after work or come home and watch a movie. Who are these two disparate parts, antagonising each other like tired siblings in the back of a car? A fatigued mind finds it hard to be a loving one.

For much of my earlier life, I suffered such internal strife. I was proud of my public persona while I desperately hid my private self, assuming that if people saw ‘that’ part of me I would be rightly shunned. I felt, at heart, unlovable. Like many, I thought I was alone, but after listening to thousands of clients, I saw a pattern emerge that this disparate feeling is more ‘normal’ than abnormal.

In fact, I have yet to meet a client who does not feel this division on some level. Mostly it is deep, unintentionally destructive, relentless and exhausting – and, mercifully, avoidable. What is rather ironic is that I love my clients for all the parts that they try to hide from the world. I feel blessed that they allow me to see their vulnerable selves. When you show your vulnerable side, people relate to you in a profound way. Your vulnerability allows them to feel safe, to be at ease with themselves.

In this chapter, we will examine the four major blocks to self-love that cause us to feel divided. They are:

1. CHILDHOOD CONDITIONING

2. SHAME

3. PERFECTIONISM

4. DISTRACTION

In my work with clients, I regularly hear the following phrases: ‘I feel like I am two different people’, ‘I have lost myself’ and ‘I don’t know who I am any more.’ This split identity creates anxiety and uncertainty, which become intensified when we are expected to perform, for example when giving a presentation at work or when meeting our new girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s parents for the first time. The fear that the ‘wrong’ part will manifest itself is debilitating and erodes our self-esteem. At its very worst, the split self can leave us questioning our own sanity, and because we fear that nobody will understand us if we try to explain how we feel, we say nothing.

It is important to highlight that the divided self is not a serious psychiatric health issue such as dissociative identity disorder (formerly referred to as multiple personality disorder), schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder. It is a common state of affairs that most of us experience on a sliding scale, in particular when we are required to make a difficult decision, change a habit and/ or are suffering from anxiety and stress.

As you continue to read The Self-Love Habit, listen to your ‘internal voice’ and identify if it is a monologue or a dialogue. Observe when it changes. If it is a dialogue, does it shift from mild

Moments,

The Severed Self Is Apparent And Magnified; Indecision And Procrastination Have Nowhere To Hide.

debate to major conflict depending on the situation?

If it is a monologue, does it relentlessly analyse your every move and criticise (the ‘inner critic’)? Shakespeare used the technique of asides and soliloquies to expose the private inner thoughts and ‘voice’ of his characters to his audience. In doing so, the ‘hidden’ self is revealed and it is not always pretty.

We hear Hamlet berate himself, ‘Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain! Why, what an ass am I!’ The next time you make a mistake, observe the way you speak to yourself. Is it critical? It is important to be able to observe the divided self without judgement.

At first glance it may appear that A is positive and B is negative, but on closer investigation this is not the case, as both parts

are necessary and learning how to accept, understand and then embrace them is a crucial skill.

When a new client comes to see me, they are usually hopeful that I will be able to get rid of Part B, as if I am a surgeon removing an ingrown toenail or a cancerous cyst. It may also be why you are reading this book; the client, like you, no longer wants internal conflict or to feel anxious. I can help you, as I have helped myself and many others, to live in peace, but not in the way that you might imagine.

I do not ‘cut out’ any part of my clients’ selves, but I do help them to accept, understand and then embrace all the parts of themselves. I will help you to do the same. The most important thing to remember when it comes to

Part B, or indeed any part of you, is that each part of you has the desire to protect you.

You are naturally programmed to survive, so even when it appears that you are sabotaging your own progress, please remember that the part that is holding you back is not intentionally trying to jeopardise your ability to live in peace. It is confused and believes that it is protecting you, comforting you and keeping you safe, for example if you wish to be more sociable but turn down an invite to a party because you feel anxious. I will expand on this below. Understanding our primitive thirst for self-preservation allows a deeper inner connection, allowing you to be less judgemental and easier on yourself. The battle ends.

THE MESSAGE OF THE SHADOW SELF/PART B

Humanistic psychologists Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow believed that human beings are, at heart, good. They understood that in order to heal emotional pain, we must try to understand negative behaviour and not judge it. Humanism is, in many respects, the parent of the positive psychology movement. Both focus on our ability to be our own agents of change and both share the desire to help us to ‘selfactualise’ in humanistic terms or to ‘flourish’ in positive psychology terms. If you are plagued with negative thoughts, suffer from anxiety, have low self-esteem or obstruct healthy behaviours, if you are caught in obsessive-compulsive behaviour and/or if you are having conflict with your family or friends, there is one question you need to ask:

‘The shadow may carry the best of the life we have not lived.

Go into the attic, the basement, the refuse bin. Find gold there. Find an animal who has not been fed or watered. It is you! This neglected, exiled animal hungry for attention is a part of yourself.’ Marion Woodman

Whether it is binge eating or shouting at your loved ones, the unwanted behaviour makes total sense to your subconscious Shadow Self. For example, a person with social anxiety may also suffer from stomach pain. Every time they are about to go out, their stomach flares up, providing the more socially acceptable excuse not to attend the event: ‘I’m not feeling well.’ Similarly, someone who drinks too much on a Friday night to escape the thoughts of a job they hate is acting logically on a subconscious level, as the alcohol numbs the pain, if only temporarily.

Please look at your own behaviour or emotions that fit this pattern. How is your Shadow Self protecting you? Let go of recriminations and judgements and instead take a humanistic, loving approach to yourself by trying to understand the motivation behind the undesirable behaviour.

There are four common obstacles to self-love that keep inner conflict alive. Becoming aware of these blocks will help you to hear the murmurs of Part B (the subconscious) as they slowly emerge from the shadows into the full light of love.

Imagine the peace of mind, ease in yourself and renewed energy you would gain if these parts were to stop quarrelling, then listen and unify.

What is the message my Shadow Self wants me to hear?