When you are torn between love for two families at Christmas
YOUNG adults who recently left State care have described how Christmas can be a difficult time as they juggle contrasting emotions and, in some cases, their foster and biological family members.
The festive season can throw up emotional challenges to those who are not part of a traditional family unit.
Dubliner Lauren O’Toole, 20, was taken into foster care at the age of two on December 19, 2003.
This year she celebrated her 18th ‘foster anniversary’ with the same family who took her in all those years ago. And even though she loves her foster family dearly, she finds Christmas a difficult time.
‘The foster family that I am living with, I would call my family. I’ve been there for 18 years but it still gets awkward at Christmas,’ she told the Irish Mail on Sunday.
‘No matter how much love there is in that family I will always sit and think, “Oh, God, I’ve never spent Christmas with my family.”’
For Lauren, a qualified make-up artist who works in customer services at the dairy company Glenisk, the festive period makes her more aware of her childhood.
‘It’s not like I ever forget about being a care leaver, but at Christmas you feel that you’re not like anyone else and it’s not fun.’
The big day also brings difficult decisions.
‘For most people, Christmas means family time. But for me it’s a choice: Do I spend Christmas
‘I’d love to pull crackers and read silly jokes’
with dad number one or dad number two?
‘I’m one of five girls and I would love for us to just sit around the dinner table, pull crackers, wear hats and read silly jokes. I do that with my foster family but at the same time it’s not my family.
‘And I wonder what my dad is doing for Christmas. Is he by himself? Does he get a Christmas dinner? These questions are always in my head.’
Lauren describes the festive period as a ‘bundle of emotions’.
In 2019, she had her first Christmas outside the foster home. She spent the day with her biological sister instead.
‘I had to tell my foster family that I wasn’t going to spend Christmas with them and it felt like a big ultimatum. We fought and we cried, but I felt like they didn’t understand that they spend Christmas together every year, and I appreciate being a part of that family, but I also have a family.
‘Then I worried if that was going to offend them, if they thought I did not view them as my family. It was overwhelming and lonely.’
However, Lauren stressed that every care leaver is different and some people with foster families love Christmas. The festive period can be even more difficult for young people in State residential care homes.
‘Some have a great experience with staff in the care home being proactive and there’s carol singing and a great dinner,’ said Marissa Ryan, CEO of Epic, a non-profit organisation that aims to empower people in care.
‘It can still feel incredibly isolating because you’re celebrating in a care home and not with family. In other care homes the staff are not as invested and Christmas is not a big deal, so that’s isolating too.’
Children leave residential care at 18 years of age and the government provides aftercare services up to the age of 21 or 23 if you are in higher education. Epic works with young people up to the age of 26 and believes that State aftercare should be provided up to that age.
Suzanne O’Brien, who experienced care herself and now works for Epic, told the MoS: ‘Christmas is forced on people as a very visible, family-oriented celebration.
‘Care leavers were taken into care because something happened to them that wasn’t okay, so you’re thinking about the people in your family who didn’t keep you safe. It can also bring another layer of questions: Why couldn’t they do what I needed them to do? Why couldn’t they seek alcohol addiction treatment?’
Suzanne added: ‘We will have members spending Christmas alone or in homeless services, who will be completely isolated. With Covid, that isolation is compounded.’
Covid has been a double whammy for care leavers, with a rise in redundancies leaving many struggling financially.
This year, Epic saw a massive rise in applications for their emergency fund for care leavers.
‘This is very frightening because people are applying for very basic provisions like heating or rent to stop them lapsing into homeless services,’ says Marissa Ryan.
According to the most recent figures from the State child and family agency Tusla, there were 5,882 children in care at the end of 2020, 91% of whom were in foster care. At the end of 2020, 2,943 young adults were receiving aftercare services.
Care leavers Aaron (see panel) and Lauren stress that a little kindness from the public can go a long way.
‘If you know someone who is in care or is care-experienced – go easy on them at Christmas,’ said Lauren.
‘It was overwhelming and lonely’