I don’t do anything HALF-BAKED
Practising his shortcrust pastry at 6.30am, swotting up on meringues, raiding bakery shops – Gareth Malone reveals how he turned into a madman for Celebrity Bake Off
WI THINK I USED MORE BOWLS THAN ANYONE ELSE… AND ALL THE SPOONS
hen choirmaster Gareth Malone told his mother he was going on The Great Celebrity Bake Off this year, she was encouraging in a way that only mothers can be. ‘I told her I was preparing for it in quite a scientific, methodical way and she said, “Well, you are a bit of a nerd”. I think she meant it as a compliment.’
In aid of Stand Up To Cancer, the celebrity version of the show is always a riotous affair, usually veering towards the farcical end of the (fondant) fancy scale.
The celebs don’t take it as seriously as those on the regular Bake Off – some seem to have never been near an oven.
Last year, comedian John Bishop broke his top-of-the-range KitchenAid mixing bowl the first time he used it, and singer Nadine Coyle said she hadn’t done any preparation, reasoning that she didn’t want to get nervous. They wing it basically, which usually results in dollops of crème pâtissière all over the floor.
No one sent Gareth that memo this year, however, because as soon as he got the call, he started swotting up on meringue techniques.
As it turns out, it’s his specialist subject as he learned about stiff peaks when he was a child. ‘And of course, there are a few types of meringue,’ he says. ‘French, Swiss, Italian…’
There were about six weeks between when he signed up and when filming began, so Gareth raced to the shops to buy, well, everything.
‘I didn’t go full KitchenAid,’ he admits.
‘But I bought a sugar thermometer and one of those glorious silicone sheets that nothing sticks to. Do you have one? Piping bags, tips, colour gels…
‘I practised like a madman. I was up at 6.30 every morning making shortcrust pastry. Did I go in to win? Oh yes. I’m very competitive. What’s the point of doing anything if you’re not going to do your best? Even if you end up coming last, you want the competition to be good.’
We can’t reveal how Gareth gets on (the whole show is filmed in advance), but we can tell you he thinks he used more bowls than anyone has ever used in the history of Bake Off.
‘Spoons too. I think I used all the spoons. It’s easy to do. I don’t think I’m giving too much away when I say there are fairies there who bring you things and do the washing up, so you can stand there shouting, “Bowl!” and one will appear like magic.’ And at home? His wife Becky is a teacher and they have three children aged 11, nine and three. ‘I don’t shout “Bowl!” in my house when I’m baking, no. I’d get short shrift.’
On a more serious note though, he wanted to do the show to support friends whose daughter had leukaemia, aged just three. ‘That floored us all. She’s fine now, but watching them go through it was just terrible. You can’t help, apart from just being there. This was a way to help.’
The celebrity mix for 2022 is certainly eclectic. It includes singer Ellie Goulding, presenter Emma Willis, Olympic athlete Mo Farah, actors Tracy-Ann Oberman and
Blake Harrison, and comedian Ed Gamble. In each episode, four celebs attempt to impress judges Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith in three challenges – the signature, the technical and the showstopper – in the hope of being crowned that episode’s Star Baker.
Actress Ruby Wax and comedian Yung Filly are in Gareth’s episode and have a more laid back approach than him.
He says Yung Filly greeted him with the words, ‘You haven’t done anything to prepare for this, have you?’ and Ruby Wax was ‘in letting-her-hair-down mode’ but ‘not one of life’s natural kitchen types’, so ruled her out as direct competition.
Gareth was a bit of a class swot though. He says he was desperate to please judge Prue Leith. ‘She has headteacher vibes. I did feel like I was back at school.’ And he does reveal – pleased as punch – that he got a Paul Hollywood handshake. ‘He forced someone else to eat their uncooked pastry.’
As a seasoned musician – he came into showbiz after having studied vocal studies at the Royal Academy of Music – Mr Choir is sceptical of talent. ‘I pontificate about it, but does talent even exist?’ he asks. ‘In the music world, it’s almost always down to hard work, not raw talent. I get better because I do lots of scales. It’s hard work.’ He thinks we should talk less about talent and more about slog – in and out of the kitchen. ‘In the music world you will invariably find that those who are successful have put the work in. Of course, there is natural ability, but how many bad songs did Adele write before she made it? Hundreds, probably thousands. We seem to have an issue with admitting that, but I don’t mind looking as if I’m trying.’ The first time I interviewed Gareth, back in 2011, he marvelled about the youngster Adele who had burst onto the music scene a few years before, but he cautioned about how she would need to be careful with her voice.
He said her singing style – all emotional welly – was ‘unsustainable’. She had vocal cord surgery that year, and there was another injury in 2017, when she famously had to cancel shows. More recently, she cancelled a string of Vegas dates, saying her show simply wasn’t ready. Some fans were quite vocal about the fact that a seasoned singer like her should get on the stage regardless.
No way, says Gareth. ‘I would go out to bat for Adele. If you are not up to your game, you shouldn’t do it. You wouldn’t go to watch the Olympics and say to an athlete, “What do you mean you’ve broken your leg? Get out there. I paid money to get to Japan.” The risk is that the thing that defines them may be the thing that is destroyed if they perform when they’re not ready.’
Obviously he’s even more nerdy about voices than he is about sweet treats. ‘In the way that Paul Hollywood can put a piece of apple turnover in his mouth and say, “Too much sugar”, so I can tell you with a voice. I’m not a clinician, but I’ve spent so long learning about the voice that, when someone sings, I can tell the psychology of that person,
PRUE HAS VIBES OF A HEADTEACHER. I FELT LIKE I WAS BACK AT SCHOOL
the aptitude, the state of mind, what they’re feeling. You can hear into a person’s soul.’
Is Adele okay then? He becomes uncharacteristically cautious. ‘I fear the headline will be “Gareth slams Adele” when I’m not. She’s so brilliant, but her issues with her voice are well documented and there are lots of things at play – stress, pressure, fatigue, age. The things you can get away with as a 21-year-old vocalist, you can’t as an older one. She’s changed. She’s a mother now. Her voice is deeper, richer, more beautiful I think, because it has life in it. In those early albums she was angry. I definitely hear a more measured vocal approach now.’
Gareth’s choral projects have taken him into prisons and hospitals, but during the pandemic his Covid choir took him to the bottom of his garden most nights when the kids were asleep. As luck would have it, he had built a music studio (‘my man shed’) there. It had just been finished when Covid hit. ‘And thank God for that, otherwise I really don’t know what we would have done.’
After Esther Rantzen mooted the idea on This Morning, over 10,000 people applied to be in Gareth’s virtual choir. He did miss real people though.
‘Online singing is great… but fundamentally singing in a choir is about being in a room with people.’ His only setback has been Pitch Battle, a big, shiny BBC1 Saturday night competition for choirs that lasted one series in 2017. But Gareth, you were never going to be a shiny show person – you’re not Simon Cowell. He agrees. ‘My idols are Stacey Dooley and Louis Theroux, not Simon Cowell.
‘I’ve always been in this slightly weird place. If you do music on TV, people think you must be Simon Cowell and do those sorts of shows – although that era has passed slightly. Hasn’t it? I do feel as though that phase is over.’
It’s curious as in some ways he is Mr Showman. He did a drama degree before following his classical music dream. On his website, you can buy Gareth Malone tea towels ‘and mugs’, he says.
‘I make everyone who comes to my house drink from a Gareth Malone mug.’ That does suggest a hankering to be in the limelight.
‘I don’t eschew the limelight, but I’m at my best if there’s a reason for me to be there. I’d never go on I’m A Celebrity. What would I do – just sit there? I’ll do something like Bake Off that lasts a couple of days but after that I’m like, “Where’s the piano?”’
■ The Great Celebrity Bake Off For Stand Up To Cancer starts on Tuesday, March 22, Channel 4 and All4.