If this contestant was a cake, he’d eat himself
The Great British Bake Off Channel 4, Tuesday
Shetland BBC1, Wednesday
The 74th Primetime Emmy Awards
Sky MAX/Sky Showcase,
Tuesday
The first episode of Channel 4’s Bake Off can always can be a bit dodgy, like sizing up your class on the first day at school or, I imagine, like speed dating, when you have to make up your mind about someone in a very short space of time. Because of that, it’s hard to say who I would like to see win this year’s Great British Bake Off, though I already know who I want to see gone as soon as possible.
There’s a bloke called Sandro, and it’s entirely appropriate he’s on this show, because if he was a cake, he’d eat himself. Apparently he’s already semi-professional and a big hit on social media, and he seems to have waltzed into the tent on the assumption he’ll walk away with the ceremonial cake stand as a matter of right.
He wears tight shirts but the muscles are not the only thing oozing through, because they’re in a race to the death with his arrogance. When one of the other contestants beat him in a challenge, he looked into the camera and said, ‘Well, second really is first, isn’t it?’, which is unbridled juvenile petulance. No, son, it’s not, it’s second, and you could show a bit of grace by acknowledging someone else might be better than you after all.
The first one out was a middleaged man called Will who wobbled from start to finish like a blancmange, leaving me wondering if he actually ever had used an oven before, because the basics of their operation seemed to have escaped him. A young Northern Irish woman called Rebs also looked like she was in severe danger, but she managed to struggle through by hiding her shortcomings with shortbread, as it were.
The Star Baker in week one was a Polish guy called Janusz, who looks like being this year’s Jurgen, the German cruelly pipped at the post last time. Janusz is the anti-Sandro, a brilliant baker but totally unsure of himself, and way more likeable as a result. When he rang his boyfriend to share the good news, he tripped over his words, saying, ‘I just wanted to tell you, I win star caker in the bake week’, before collapsing in laughter. Him and me both. I also already like Carole, an old woman with a frizz of pink hair that looks like candyfloss, so she’s on a winner already. She made a cake and asked aloud: ‘Who doesn’t like coffee and walnut?’, before adding, ‘unless you don’t like coffee and are allergic to nuts’.
Talking of them, another contestant called Paul was told in the first challenge his nuts were too big – and what would GBBO be without a little smutty innuendo? – so what did he do with his nuts in the next challenge? Yes, he chopped them too big again. It’s a bit like Super Garden here, when no one listens to what the judges are telling them, ploughs ahead with a singular vision, then wonders why they don’t win. Just do as you’re told and all will be better.
More familiar tropes were back – Prue Leith’s love of a boozy cake, Paul Hollywood’s steely glare, and the utterly cringeworthy antics of Noel Fielding and Matt Lucas. They really do interrupt the contestants’ concentration, and they’re about as funny as a soufflé that doesn’t rise. If I ever was on the show, I couldn’t guarantee either would make it to the end of the episode alive.
We all knew Jimmy Perez (Douglas Henshall) was leaving BBC1’s Shetland at the end of this series, and were actually glad to see that he did so not only alive, but redeemed as a human being after performing one last act of natural justice, and declaring his love for Irish nurse Meg. Perez was one of television’s most memorable detectives. Yes, he was as morose as many others (and who doesn’t long for a TV cop who just goes home, reads to his kids, makes the dinner, and cuddles his partner all night on the couch), but he had a certain nobility, even if he occasionally cut some corners. While the finale of his time on the show was perfect, the same can’t be said for this series, which too often veered into caricature, and delivered a plot about eco-terrorism. It might be a real threat, but it all felt a little imposed on the sleepy islands, and the criminal mastermind behind a bomb plot turned out to be a relatively minor character I all but had forgotten about.
There will be an eighth series, and surely a scene between Perez and his deputy Tosh was a pointer to who will take over. ‘You’re ready for this,’ he told her, and I hope that’s true. Next to him, she always was the most interesting character, and the fans surely will agree she’s more than ready to fill his shoes, if not exactly his pea coat.
Finally, this year’s Emmy Awards popped up on Sky, and proved a reminder of why award shows really have had their day. Host Kenan Thompson is big in the US on the long-running Saturday Night Live sketch show, but SNL was at its best 30 years ago, and is now hopelessly unfunny and past its sell-by date.
He proved no more amusing here and, once again, my attention was grabbed only during the In Memoriam section, when the faces of those who have died in the past year were shown. My reaction, as always, veered between, ‘ah, that’s terrible, I didn’t know’ and ‘gosh, I thought he died years ago’.
There was, though, consolation seeing Jean Smart picking up her second award in a row for best actress in a comedy for playing comedienne Deborah Vance in Hacks on Amazon Prime. Honestly, if you haven’t watched it, get on it now. It’s the funniest show on television and, as it always should do, coming first really does mean coming first.