I FOR ONE WEL­COME OUR NEW DRAGON OVERLORD

It’s about time we had a mon­eyed trig­ger-happy weirdo as head of State. Hash­tag di­ver­sity and all that

The Irish Times - Friday - The Ticket - - NEWS - PATRICK FREYNE

Right you shower of bas­tards, now that Peter Casey is pres­i­dent things are go­ing to be very dif­fer­ent around here.* Ob­vi­ously, we at The Ir­ish Times would like to be among the first to wel­come His Drag­nif­i­cence to the Áras and to the rest of you, we’d like to say, boy are you go­ing to be sorry. He’s go­ing to re­mem­ber those things you said about him.

We were, as you prob­a­bly guessed, se­cretly on his side all along. We just feel it’s about time we had a mon­eyed trig­ger-happy weirdo as head of State. Hash­tag di­ver­sity and all that.

So, let me re­mind you of Casey’s plans as laid out in his pro­gramme for sort-of-gov­ern­ment:

1) The repa­tri­a­tion of all non-Ir­ish dog breeds – your Pekinese, your Al­sa­tians, your ne­far­i­ous Ber­nese moun­tain dogs. Ugh. Look at them with their big stupid eyes and fluffy bod­ies all filled with the mam­malian emo­tion “love”. Slob­bery free­loaders com­ing over here, be­ing all de­light­ful with our pres­i­dents and steal­ing our dog jobs. Who among the Ir­ish peo­ple will be un­able to re­late to my hatred of dogs?

2) Con­sti­tu­tion-smon­sti­tu­tion. Read­ing’s for nerds. All mem­bers of the Army are to as­sem­ble at His Dragon­ship’s new gaffe post haste. Wear your Army stuff.

3) “You can’t do this as pres­i­dent! You can’t do that as pres­i­dent! You can’t carry a sword on a plane! Are you qual­i­fied to op­er­ate that crane? Blah, blah, blah!” Whisht! I do as I please.

4) We will find de Valera’s gold! When I first re­counted how the ghost of Eoin O’Duffy ap­peared to me in a dream and told me de Valera’s trea­sure was hid­den some­where in the cat­a­combs be­neath the Áras, you laughed at me. Well, who’s laugh­ing now? Cer­tainly not the peo­ple who have been con­scripted to bull­doze the pres­i­den­tial home (“But I’m not a builder!” Boo-hoo, whine, whine. Shape up or ship out, losers!).

And even if, as you keep say­ing, there are no cat­a­combs un­der the Áras and ghosts don’t ex­ist and there is no de Valera’s gold, well, what if I told you it was all a kind of metaphor and that the gold was in your heart? Stop laugh­ing. I can do po­etry too, you bas­tards. #wise­po­et­icpres­i­dent.

5) Have you seen The Run­ning Man with Arnold Sch­warzeneg­ger? No matter, you’ll catch on soon enough. Yes, those are klax­ons you can hear. Say good­bye to your weaker fam­ily mem­bers and find some­thing pointy. I hate the weak!

6) A fiver for a pic­ture with the pres­i­dent?! Gosh, that looks like a re­ally good deal. What? You can even pay with credit cards? How con­ve­nient! What a con­ve­nient pres­i­dency!

To each of these plans, I say: If any­thing, he’s not go­ing far enough. Yes, I know it’s sur­pris­ing to see me, Fin­tan O’Toole (ig­nore by­line pic­ture), en­dors­ing such po­si­tions. But let me be very clear. This is not be­cause I am locked in a dark cabin on the pres­i­den­tial zep­pelin, it’s be­cause I now see how wise Pres­i­dent Casey is and what clever ideas these are and I am very sorry that we all laughed at him. It has been a good day. Don’t send me to the corn­field.

And…. end scene.

Back-up ed­i­to­rial

Okay, that that was all a “back-up ed­i­to­rial” I was asked to write yes­ter­day “just in case”. Pre­tend­ing to be Fin­tan O’Toole was just a rhetor­i­cal flour­ish, or what you non-jour­nal­is­tic types call a “lie”. It’s some of my best work, to be hon­est. It goes on for sev­eral pages in this line. I’ve a great para­graph about Casey cur­ing scro­fula with an old potato his grand­mother gave him and an­other about how he won Done­gal back from the Brits in a card game at some cross­roads (you may think you re­mem­ber Done­gal hav­ing al­ways hav­ing been part of the Repub­lic, but you are mis­taken). We even com­mis­sioned an oil paint­ing of Casey on a big white horse in lieu of a pho­to­graph (he frets that pho­tog­ra­phy can give you a soul).

It was the least we could do. We at Ge­orge Soros’s MSM have been wrong about so much: Trump, Brexit, whether La La Land was any good, the euro, the ex­is­tence of Slen­der­man, Tayto choco­late bars, the Pro­gres­sive Democrats, Taylor Swift – we were not go­ing to be on the wrong side of his­tory on this one too.

Yes, the in­cum­bent, Michael D Hig­gins, seemed, at the time of writ­ing, to have charmed the na­tion again with dig­nity, dog­gerel and dog­gies (that’s what the D stands for). And yes, his chal­lengers, most notably tele­vi­sion busi­ness­men Scrooge McDuck, the Fat Con­troller from Thomas the Tank En­gine and Lex Luthor (I’m sorry, I’ve al­ready for­got­ten their real names) seemed des­tined to re­turn to the busi­ness parks of hell to brood and feed and plan their in­evitable re­turn in 2025. But, frankly, who knows any­thing nowa­days?*

All I know for sure is that the pres­i­dency was for­merly an im­por­tant job. Right now, it feels like some­thing you ap­ply for on a whim when your CV is laid out in Comic Sans and cov­ered in jam and you’ve ac­ci­den­tally printed out one too many. Once you could turn to a tal­ented child with hope in her heart and say: “One day you might run for pres­i­dent, my kind clever an­gel.” Now you’d be more likely to turn to­wards a slack­jawed thug of an in­fant, one who has no re­spect for his un­cle (you know who you are), to say: “If you’re not care­ful you might end up run­ning for pres­i­dent, you weird py­ro­ma­ni­a­cal mon­ster.”

I sup­pose I still be­lieve in democ­racy. That said, Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael should prob­a­bly be obliged to put some­one for­ward in fu­ture to keep the over­con­fi­dent busi­ness loons at bay. Surely some re­spectable only marginally-com­pro­mised el­der states­folk could have been con­jured up from ob­scu­rity to give Michael D Hig­gins some proper com­pe­ti­tion? It might have helped. Right now the pres­i­dency looks like some­thing you run for as a bet. We have seven more years to think about what we’ve done.

‘‘ We at Ge­orge Soros’s MSM have been wrong about so much – Trump, Brexit, whether La La Land was any good, the Euro, the ex­is­tence of Slen­der­man, Tayto choco­late bars, the Pro­gres­sive Democrats, Taylor Swift, we were not go­ing to be on the wrong side of his­tory on this one too

*This ar­ti­cle was writ­ten well be­fore there was any inkling of a re­sult. If I am very, very wrong about any­thing, then good enough for me.

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