Mar­ian Keyes

Sud­den Wild En­thu­si­asms No 24 Elave SPF

The Irish Times Magazine - - CONTENTS -

Iconic Mas­ter­mind mu­sic plays on the telly. The dark­ened stu­dio grad­u­ally light­ens and the cam­era pulls back to re­veal John Humphreys be­hind his quiz­mas­ter ta­ble. Fac­ing him, white- faced and stiff in The Chair of Ter­ror, is me.

JH: Wel­come to Celebrity Mas­ter­mind. Our first con­tes­tant is Mar­ian Keyes and her cho­sen char­ity is Pointy Ba­len­ci­aga Sling­backs For Mar­ian. Mar­ian, your spe­cial­ist sub­ject is fa­cial sun­blocks and your time starts . . . NOW. Which is your favourite sun­block? Me: Ah, I couldn’t pick one, John JH: Cor­rrrrr- ect! Why are you so ob­sessed with sun­block?

Me: It gives me a spu­ri­ous sense of con­trol, John, a base­less con­vic­tion that if I fol­low the rules, every­thing will be okay, that my face will never col­lapse into my lap and I won’t get skin can­cer. But its codswal­lop, John be­cause we’re all dy­ing, John – you, me . . . ev­ery­one.

JH: Cor­rrrrr- ect! Do you need sun­block in Ire­land? Even in win­ter?

Me: John, this is hard to credit, but lat­est re­search shows that if you’re ex­posed to day­light – even through win­dows – you need sun­block. I read it on Paula’s Choice, scared me side­ways so it did.

JH: Cor­rrrrr- ect! I’m guess­ing you even wear sun­block at night in bed in com­plete dark­ness?

Me: Cor­rrrrr- ect! You can’t be too care­ful.

JH: That was go­ing to be my next ques­tion. Cor­rrrrr- ect! What fac­tor should a per­son wear?

Me: The higher the bet­ter. No lower than 30.

JH: Cor­rrrrr- ect! What if your mois­turiser is 15 SPF and your foun­da­tion is 15 SPF, does that count as 30 SPF?

Me: Sadly John, it doesn’t work that way. 15 is 15.

JH: Cor­rrrrr- ect! Name a rea­son­ably priced sun­block that won’t make you look like a shiny ghost.

Me: Elave Sen­si­tive Daily Skin De­fence. Fac­tor 45. But it’s re­ally thick, so you must use it with the mois­turiser un­der­neath.

JH: Will the com­bi­na­tion make my foun­da­tion go all ball- y?

Me: No, John, if you give it a few min­utes to sink in, it won’t! I know! You want to do the right thing for your clob but the sec­ond you put your foun­da­tion on over it, the whole sorry mess cur­dles! Not with this Elave combo, though. JH: Cor­rrrrr- ect! BEEP BEEP BEEP! Me: Say it John. Say it any­way. JH: I’ve started so I’ll fin­ish. Nine cor­rect an­swers and no passes. En­joy this mo­ment, Keyes, be­cause you’ll be a dis­as­ter in the gen­eral knowl­edge round.

a‘ s‘ It gives me pu­ri­ous sense of con­trol, John, a base­less con­vic­tion that if I fol­low the rules, every­thing will be okay

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