ROSS O’CAR­ROLL- KELLY

Beib­hinn Mur­ray writes, ‘ My sis­ter was with him back in the day,’ and be­side it she puts a pic­ture of a small sausage

The Irish Times Magazine - - COVER STORY -

It’s, like, 5am when it storts. I’m still in bed when Grainne Less­ing posts a mes­sage on the Mount Anville moms What­sApp group to say there’s a Gorda speed van on New­town­pork Av­enue and be care­ful if we’re pass­ing. Amanda Man­gan says, “Omg you’re up early!!!” and Grainne says, “Sorry ev­ery­one that mes­sage was ac­tu­ally meant for the Wil­low Pork swim­ming group not the Mount Anville moms group.” Or­laith Sta­ple­ton says, “Go, Shorks!” Vanessa Mitchell says, “Go, Shorks!!!” Amanda Man­gan says, “GO, SHORKS!!!”

On the Mount Anville Mid- Term Trip to Dor­dogne What­sApp group, Or­laith Sta­ple­ton says, “By the way, in case you missed it, that was Grainne’s not- so- sub­tle way of let­ting us all know that Mor­cus is on the Wil­low Pork swim­ming team this year.” Vanessa Mitchell says, “Hi­lar­i­ous!” Re­becca Leahy says, “LOL!”

I’m now a mem­ber of nine Mount Anville- re­lated What­sApp groups. It wasn’t Fear of Miss­ing Out as much as Fear of Be­ing Talked About. So this is my life now. I don’t know how I ever found time to work.

Or­laith Sta­ple­ton says, “Omg just had the to­tal fear that Grainne was in the Mid- Term Trip to Dor­dogne What­sApp group!” and Sally Ann Markey says, “No, Grainne said there’s no point in send­ing Hester on the trip be­cause they own a place in Dor­dogne – with a viney­ord!” He­len Hall says, “Er sub­tle much?” Vanessa Mitchell says, “Lol.” Alva Crowe says, “Go, Sharks!” and then a few sec­onds later, “Sorry, that was meant for the Wil­low Park swim­ming group. Gar­van is a sub­sti­tute on the team this year.”

Mal­lo­rie Kennedy mes­sages ev­ery­one in the mu­si­cal so­ci­ety group to say she’s hear­ing ru­mours about a speed van on New­town­pork Av­enue. Ferne Bran­ni­gan says, “Thanks!” Cho Hye- Ji says,

“Thanks!” Emer Durnin says, “Yeah just heard the same thing.”

Rachel Lynch tells ev­ery­one in the moms group that she was ac­tu­ally pulled over by a gorda re­cently who ac­cused her of tex­ting while she was driv­ing. Cho Hye- Ji says, “That’s ter­ri­ble.” He­len Hall says, “So un­fair.” Mal­lo­rie Kennedy says, “Have they noth­ing bet­ter to do, th­ese gords?” Rachel Lynch says she ac­tu­ally said that to him: “I asked him would his time not be bet­ter spent car­ry­ing out imag­i­nary breathal­yser tests? Well I didn’t ac­tu­ally say that but I cer­tainly thought it! The fock­ing bog­ger!”

He­len Hall mes­sages ev­ery­one in the orches­tra What­sApp group to say, “Rachel Lynch is telling the story about be­ing pulled over for tex­ting! Lol!” Mal­lo­rie Kennedy says, “The hi­lar­i­ous thing is that she WAS ac­tu­ally tex­ting! AND she got two penalty points.” Grainne Power says, “Not be­ing a bitch but if any­one has any­thing to fear from an early morn­ing breathal­yser test, it’s Rachel!” He­len Hall says, “No way!” Mal­lo­rie Kennedy says, “Way!” Alva Crowe says, “You couldn’t blame her, be­ing mar­ried to that wanker.”

Or­laith Sta­ple­ton mes­sages ev­ery­one in the hockey What­sApp group, go­ing, “In case you didn’t get Grainne Less­ing’s 5am mes­sage, HER SON IS NOW ON THE WIL­LOW PORK SWIM TEAM!” Rachel Lynch says, “Lol.” Re­becca Leahy says, “LOL!” Ferne Bran­ni­gan says, “Mor­cus pushed Jemma into the pool in the Na­tional Aquatic Cen­tre two years ago and she nearly drowned. When I brought it up with Grainne, she didn’t even apol­o­gise. She just said, ‘ Oh, yes, Mor­cus was mor­ti­fied by that whole busi­ness!’”

Su­san Bren­nan mes­sages the moms group to say, “Thanks for the info re the speed van. I’m on my way to New­pork now. I don’t know if I men­tioned that Dorra is on the swim team this year.” No one re­sponds.

But Re­becca Leahy mes­sages ev­ery­one in the drama group to say, “Su­san Bren­nan lol!” Alva Crowe says, “Tone deaf!” Cho Hye- Ji says, “Did you see the STATE of those run­ners she was wear­ing two cof­fee morn­ings ago in Gleego’s?” Re­becca Leahy says, “They were ac­tu­ally Ba­len­ci­aga!” and Alva Crowe says, “Yeah they’re ac­tu­ally MADE to look wrecked!” Vanessa Mitchell says, “I didn’t hear any­thing about cof­fee morn­ings in Gleego’s.”

Re­becca Leahy mes­sages ev­ery­one in the Gaeil­geoirí group to say, “Vanessa knows about Gleego’s! Cho just opened her big mouth!” Oon­agh Ní Charthaigh says, “Speak­ing of cof­fee morn­ings, has any­one else no­ticed that Alva Crowe al­ways or­ders a huge muf­fin when we’re in the Mer­rion Tree Bistro and then NEVER eats it? She puts it in her bag and ‘ sup­pos­edly’ eats it at home!” Máire Ní Bhraonáin says, “And what’s she like order­ing hot wa­ter?!!!” Alan­nah de Nais says, “Lol!!!” Cait Need­ham says, “That’s why she has no arse!”

Breena Mar­ron mes­sages the moms group to say, “By the way, where is the Na­tional Aquatic Cen­tre? Ob­vi­ously I lived abroad for 10 years.” Grainne Less­ing goes, “Junc­tion 6.” Caro­line Lan­ders goes, “Junc­tion 6,” and then a few sec­onds later she mes­sages the hockey group to say, “Breena Mar­ron ask­ing where things are again! Be­cause OB­VI­OUSLY she lived in the UAE for 10 years! I don’t know if she’s men­tioned that be­fore!” Ser­ena Ben­nett says, “Lol!” Lucy An­ders says, “Lol!”

Lucy An­ders mes­sages the orches­tra group: “Btw did we ever get to the bot­tom of who set up that Rate My Play­date site?” Mal­lo­rie Kennedy says, “Honor O’Car­roll- Kelly!” Alva Crowe says, “Not to em­bar­rass any­one, but Honor’s dad is ac­tu­ally IN the orches­tra group.”

Mal­lo­rie Kennedy says, “I was only jok­ing, Ross!” Mao­liosa Byrne says, “I ac­tu­ally knew you were in this group!” and then a few sec­onds later she mes­sages the drama group, say­ing, “Just got caught slag­ging off that lit­tle b**** Honor O’Car­roll- Kelly! Her dad is in the orches­tra group so be care­ful.”

Liz Bryant says, “I kind of fancy him,” but then Beib­hinn Mur­ray says, “My sis­ter was with him back in the day – as in WITH with,” and then be­side it she puts up a pic­ture of what looks like a small sausage.

Liz Bryant says, “Hang on, isn’t he in the drama group as well?” and Mao­liosa Byrne says, “I knew that as well! I was only jok­ing, Ross!”

I check the time. It’s 5.20am. It’s go­ing to be an­other long day.

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