SUPPORT FOR MUMS WHO HAD CHILDREN ADOPTED
DANÚ IS A SLIGO BASED GROUP OFFERING VITAL SUPPORT TO BIRTH MUMS
SOME of the saddest stories are told in Danu - Sligo’s birth mothers’ support group.
But from that shared grief comes a strength that allows these women to support one another towards a brighter future.
The Birth Mothers support group - the only one of its kind in the country - was first established in 2005 after local social worker Sheila Gallagher saw a need for such a service.
Sheila recalls: “As a social worker who was providing an Information and Tracing Service at St Attracta’s Adoption Society, I initiated the idea of providing a group for mothers who had placed a child for adoption because of my experience of meeting women who were still grieving the loss of their son or daughter many years after the adoption.”
Sheila adds: The women I met expressed the same feelings of loss, sadness, guilt, and shame and had rarely talked to anyone about their experience or the fact that they had had a child.”
Sheila approached the Sligo Family Resource Centre with this idea and the group was then developed in conjunction with Manager Elizabeth King.
Sheila says: “I knew that from my own practice and from research on the theme of bereavement and loss that meeting other women who had also experienced loss would help. It was important that the group was properly set up and facilitated so that it could provide a safe place for these women to talk about their experiences, as well as to reduce the sense of isolation that these women felt.”
15 mothers gathered for the first meeting. Today Danu consists of up to 30 women who meet five times a year at the Family Resource Centre on the Mall.
Manager Liz King says: “This group provides immense support to these women. They range in age from 40 to 70. Some have been with the group from the start. It provides a safe place to talk, to express anger and hurt. Every story is unique but they all have similarities too. Many have a story like Philomena. There are still some women in the group who have not told relatives. One woman told me ‘ There should be a room like this in every county in Ireland.’”
Others in the group have said how their sense of isolation has decreased. One mother said that she no longer considered herself as a ‘ bad person’ for making the decision that she had made for her child. Crucially, the experience of being part of Danu has meant that these mothers no longer felt alone with their loss.
As Sheila says: “They feel able to talk without the fear of being judged and it also helps them to make sense of their experience of adoption, as well as giving a greater feeling of self- confidence.”
The group also focuses on encouraging good self- care, including workshops on yoga, writing, and bereavement. Sheila concludes: “What is most valued is the space to be able to talk safely about their son’s or daughters at whatever stage their search or contact is at.”
Liz agrees: “Being able to speak openly and in confidence with women who have experienced the same pain that they have felt offers a sense of relief. There are threads of guilt and pain in every one of these stories, like a nagging wound.
“When some of these women meet with their adult adopted children, in a way they think they are going to get their baby back but they get a grown man or woman. They start a relationship with this person and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. They have to discover what their role is in this person’s life and that can be complicated.”
Liz says: “Many of these women had to give up babies because of the environment of the time. They were told they would not be able to bring up a child. There may have been a stigma and secrecy surrounding the adoption. This group allows these mothers to be gentle with themselves. Over time there is an acceptance. This is really good.”