MUM SETS UP SUPPORT GROUP IN THE WAKE OF HUSBAND’S DEATH
EMMA GALLAGHER TALKS TO MUM OF TWO ON LIFE AFTER THE DEATH OF HER HUSBAND TO SUICIDE
IN March 2017 Sharon Carty’s world was shattered forever. Her husband and partner of 24 years, Michael, died by suicide. Although he had openly been battling with depression for many years and often spoke about it, Sharon said that no one knew what was about to happen.
He was only 41 years old and together they shared two children, Kyle (22) and Leah (15).
“The morning after St Patrick’s Day 2017 we found Michael. We had been married for 12 years and had been together for 24. We met when we were both really young, he was 18, I was 17. I was from Ballintogher and Michael was from town.
“Michael had depression, he was aware he had depression and he got help for it over the years.
“He knew himself that he suffered from depression and he was able to talk openly about it if he met someone. “He went and saw counsellors too and got help over the years.
“He wasn’t afraid to say that he suffered with a mental illness and he would talk about it to people.
“In a way I suppose he was kind of like everyone’s counsellor himself, he would always talk away to people and speak to everyone. Michael was a really good person, he was intelligent, kind hearted, he had a heart of gold.
“He was really bubbly and was always the life and soul of the party. He had a smile on his face all the time,” Sharon added.
Despite his bubbly personality on the outset, she said he was suffering from mental health problems.
“There was no indication that he was suffering the way that he was. But that is depression. No one knew that it had gone so bad for Michael that suicide was the only answer,” Sharon said.
Finding out that their husband and dad was gone was indescribable. “Our whole lives fell apart. The shock, the initial response is one of complete shock and you just wonder how do I go on?
“I sort of got through Michael’s funeral with all the people coming and going and all the people that came and sympathised. You can kind of get through that as I think the shock gets you through it.
“It is not until after awhile that life settles down and you suddenly begin to realise that you somehow have to pick yourself up,” Sharon added.
“I was in shock for a long, long time. My first concern was for my children, I somehow had to keep strong for them even though you are in this out-of-body experience.
“I knew 100% that I had to look after them.
“We had a lady call to the house two weeks after Michael died. She was from Pieta House and was offering counselling for me and the children.
“I jumped at the chance of counselling because I knew I needed all the help I could get. I knew I needed it for me and the kids so I kind of started counselling straight away,” Sharon explained.
“I was so grateful for her coming because I knew counselling was something I really needed. I had serious struggles with realising that my best friend and my husband was gone,” Sharon said.
She added that so many emotions ran through her head and she had so many questions left unanswered.
“So many questions remain. The whys, why didn’t I see anything before it happened, the guilt, the anger, the denial, they’re all there and a part of it all.
“There is so much going through your head, feelings of total blame and you ask yourself why didn’t I see it coming. You go back over every conversation you had, trying to pick out things from conversations, asking yourself should you have been more aware and looking for signs.”
She said the six months after Michael died she was going around in complete shock.
“After that I started thinking that maybe he would come back that he wasn’t really dead. That was along with the anger and the grief. The grief for me came after the shock. You have this fear inside you and you’re afraid of what’s ahead. Everything you worked so hard on is gone in an instant and you cannot make sense of it at all, for Michael to go to the point of suicide when no one thought he would ever do that.
“He would have got the help but he bottled everything up. Probably men put on this facade and try to be strong men that don’t cry and don’t show emotion.
“Depression is a voice in their head telling them that they are being a burden and that their family is better off without them, that’s the pain they are suffering.
“Michael’s fear of death was not as much as his fear of living and he couldn’t do it any longer. He worked so hard on himself and as a husband and a dad which makes it so hard on us as a family. I know his pain was so much and I know he wouldn’t have done anything to hurt us, but depression won in the end.”
Sharon said: “I always felt after the first year we got into the second year and you have to live life where Michael is gone. You’re trying to fit into this new normal and something I wanted to do was giving something back to Pieta House because they were so good to me.
“Pieta House has been so good, there’s been times I’ve rang them just to talk. Family, friends and counsellors have all been brilliant but you still feel lost and feel completely broken at times. For me to keep well means that my kids see me like that too. They’ve already lost one parent and they have to see me try and continue and bring normality. The most simple things were the hardest to do but you have to bring normality. If they don’t see me carrying about the day it would be an extra worry for them that their mother was not able to cope.”
Sharon said society now is so hectic that people don’t take a step back and ask each other how they are really doing.
“Life is just so busy and everyone is running around and we forget to take a step back. I would like for people to be more aware of each other, everyone has busy lifestyles but forget to ask people how they are doing. Everyone can put on a facade unfortunately.”
She decided to set up a group which will be based in the Northside Community Centre for people affected by suicide bereavements can talk in a group setting.
“In January of this year I was seeing if I could find a group where people can talk who are in a situation like mine. There is not enough Government funding for mental health services and that is something that has to be acknowledged. People cannot be continuing to suffer in silence.
“The group is called Suicide Bereavement Support Group, we have a Facebook page set up and we are getting word out there. We hope to run it from September 12 th and anyone is welcome. It will be on Wednesday evenings from 7:30pm in the Northside. I think it is a good time to start as winter approaches. My winter last year was horrendous. I think for the people left behind after suicide, they need to know they can talk about it and not be afraid to talk about it.
“There is still a stigma about it but I think people are willing to change that. The like of Darkness into Light and STOP Suicide are doing such great work with all their fundraisers.
“I think the group will be good for people like me to meet up on a weekly basis and you don’t even have to talk, people can just come and listen. For me personally I found talking really helps with the healing process.
“I don’t think society really treats the people left behind with the care they need, people are afraid to talk to them about it. The group hopefully will offer support to people.
“They can just come in and if they want to talk they can. It’s somewhere to go during the winter nights and stops people bottling things up.
“I have really good family, friends, counsellor and gp but I feel the piece that was missing was a group where I could chat to people.
“It’s about helping each other out through the devastation and the loss, you cannot put grief to one side, you have to go through the emotions. This is not going away, it is something we are going to carry for the rest of our lives.”
Sharon added: “What happened to us completely changed my thinking of life. It made me realise life is so precious and we take so much for granted. We forget to ask how we are really feeling. Unfortunately when something so bad happens it makes you realise how short life really is.
“I can’t have Michael’s death be in vain. People need to know they can talk about mental health and if they are suffering to speak to someone be it a counsellor or Pieta House, someone who will really listen to you and how you are suffering. I hope this group will also give people a bit of hope,” she added.
The Suicide Bereavement Support Group will start meeting on Wednesday evenings in the Northside Community Centre from Wednesday, September 12 th at 7:30pm.
Pieta House: 1800 247 247. Sligo Samaritans: 071 914 2011 National telephone: 116 123