The ‘monster inside’ that ruins lives

July 1999

A Bray man spoke to our reporter about how domestic violence destroyed his family and about his attempts to deal with the problem in a bid to win them back.

Martin (not his real name) is racked by guilt. He talks of the ‘monster inside’ and knows that his problem is both simple and complicated, all at the same time.

He talks of his shame, of the sadness which he has visited on himself and others, and of the desperate need which he feels to get a grip and bring things under control.

Martin beats his wife. He uses the word ‘batter’, but in describing the attacks talks of how he has pushed and shoved her around and abused her.

He says that he knows his behaviour is wrong but adds that unfortunately this awareness only comes after the fact.

First there is the drink, then the arguments, and then the pushing, shoving and bullying.

A native of Bray who is now aged 35, Martin says that he intends to seek counselling, wants to give up drinking and wants a reconciliation with his common law wife and young son.

Although he can talk about the blind rage which precipitated the break up of his relationship, he says that he can never remember the details and the specifics of what has happened.

‘This problem all began within the past year. I started pushing her around when I was drunk but never remembered it.

‘It was only when she confronted me on the next morning that I became aware of what had happened.

‘I kept saying that I was sorry, and that it was the last time... until she threw me out.

‘I have seen my son only once since then,’ he said.

Martin hopes that in highlighting his case he can do something to help other ‘batterers’ to face up to and confront their problem.

I am trying to deal with my own situation at the moment, and I want to be as open as I can about it,’ he said.

‘Only when I face up to it myself can I hope that someone else might be able to help me,’ he said.

‘I never grew up around domestic violence and all my life I hated wife-beating or the idea of men being abusive towards their partners. It sickened me. They were monsters.

‘It came as quite a land to realise that I was one of those monsters myself,’ he said.

Martin attributes all of his domestic problems to drinking but says that after a long working night it can be the only way to wind down with his colleagues and friends.

‘I have seen how destructive alcohol can be but at the same time find it hard to escape because it is so much a part of our culture,’ he said.

HE admits that he is at a loss to explain how or why the attacks took place but swears that the mother of his son is the only girlfriend he ever attacked.

‘Over the years I have been around, and had quite a number of relationships before my most recent one. There was never one single occasion in the past where I behaved as I have done recently. And it is not as though she is in any way responsible. I know that I am at fault and that I am to blame.’