HELPFUL DECEPTION

Writer Seymour Hoffman notes: After reading my column on “Geneivat da’at” (July 26), a friend sent me this relevant story:

Mom was 86 at the time, and although she had dementia she was still living by herself at the time, just her and her three cats. The time had come that we realized that Mom needed someone with her full-time, as she could not function alone anymore. And so we began the search for a full-time caregiver.

The agency sent over a very nice Indian woman and she would be able to start immediately. Now the challenge was how to convince Mom to accept this companion. A difficult assignment was begun. I began explaining to Mom that social services supplied someone of her age a companion who would be there with her. What I neglected (purposely) to tell her is that this companion would be living with her.

For the first few days the caregiver would show up in the morning and at the end of the day go back to her communal apartment. We were trying to gradually get Mom used to her. Not good. Mom would fiercely argue with the caregiver, and I would get phone calls from the caregiver, crying, telling me that Mom had kicked her out and maybe it would not work out.

When I approached my mother, she would exclaim, “Who is this woman you brought? I don’t want her here.” This went on a few times, and every time I was able to calm my mother down and bring the woman back into the house. Then one time Mom threw her out, and I told the caregiver that on Friday morning I would try a new tactic and could she meet me by Mom and we would go in together.

That Friday morning I entered Mom’s place and went to speak to her, explaining that she needed someone with her, and the woman I had brought was not working out. What did she think we could do? She said that she wanted to pick the woman, and so I said that the agency is sending someone now and that she would soon be here.

The caregiver knocked at the door and I let her in and said to my mom, “I will leave the two of you together to talk” (an interview), as I had a few things to do. A few minutes later Mom called me that we have to talk. She said, “See, this one is really nice, much nicer than the other one you brought.” I was a bit shocked, but I said, “I guess I should have let you decide from the beginning.”

The caregiver has now been with Mom for almost two years and now on Shabbatot, when Mom comes for a meal, when “her girl” comes to pick her up to walk home with her, we see Mom’s eyes light up.