Ode to the mask

Yes, wearing a mask is a drag.

Masks smell bad, squash our faces, and worst of all fog up my glasses, though there are those who claim that taping the mask to the bridge of one’s nose may solve the problem. Will it? I don’t know. Being masked is bad enough. I’m not ready to be taped... yet.

Meanwhile, masking up has become de riguer. In many places it’s the law, and cumbersome as they are wearing one is a smart and potentially life-saving choice, as a mask absorbs most of the tiny droplets that spread the disease. When you wear a mask, you’ve entered into a mutual aid pact with your fellow mask wearers. I wear mine to protect you. You wear yours to protect me, and that’s great. When was the last time we humans acted so altruistically? Three cheers for mankind. But there are other benefits – especially to people of a certain age – and they are so substantial that I might go one wearing mine long after corona has gone away.

Here’s a short list:

1. No more lipstick: Why bother? No one will see it. For the record, I have seen masks decorated with images of lips, but those don’t require artificial coloring. So for all of you who’ve struggled and failed to find the perfect shade – you know who you are – just look in your purses and medicine chests and you’ll the cherry Popsicle red, ghoulish maroon and the whatcould-I-have-ever-been-thinking black. With a mask, you can switch to chapstick.

2. No more cosmetic dentistry: My front teeth are ugly, chipped and shockingly yellow but my mask hides them and keeps me out of the dentist chair. 3. Ditto for plastic surgery, botox and fillers: My mask conceals my laugh lines, cheek lines – and my personal pet peeve, that lumpy cottage cheese chin skin, also pimples and unseemly facial hair. The mask hides all.

4. No more embarrassing

sneezes: Nobody likes to acknowledge this, but it happens to all of us, especially during cold or allergy season, which is basically all the time. You’re out in the world and those tissues that were supposed to be in your purse are gone and you’ve just sneezed the sneeze of a lifetime. With your mask, nobody will ever see. When you can, clean your face and clean or discard the mask. 5. Better behavior all around: Ever try to smoke, drink or snack mindlessly on junk food while wearing a mask? You can’t. And maybe anonymous groups should require their members to wear them!

Perhaps best of all, you’ve got an excellent excuse for avoiding people you’d rather not see. “I couldn’t recognize you with your mask on.” Who can beat that?

The author, a prize-winning writer, also teaches writing classes on Zoom. ungar.carol@gmail.com

LIPSTICK: WHY bother?