Rabbi Akiva and newlyweds
“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.”
– Lyndon B. Johnson
Like it or not, there is nothing quite like Lag Ba’omer in Israel. I remember growing up in Seattle, and it was a school day when we would play sports and the school provided hot dogs and cans of soda. That was it. In Israel it means that you’d better close your windows because of the bonfires.
Then there is the insanity that 13-14 year old kids are in charge of 10-12 year old kids, who are all surrounded by raging bonfires. We should all hope and pray that the Lag Ba’omer celebrations in Meron are safe and without incident after last year’s tragedy.
One of the central figures on Lag Ba’omer is Rabbi Akiva. The 33rd day of the Omer is a happy day because the students of Rabbi Akiva stopped dying. As it is codified in the Shulhan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law) OC 493:1, “The practice is not to get married between Passover and Shavuot – until Lag Ba’omer, because during this time the students of Rabbi Akiva perished.”
Why did they perish? According to the Talmud in Tractate Yevamot (62b), “It was said that Rabbi Akiva had 12,000 pairs of disciples from Gabbatha to Antipatris, and all of them died at the same time because they did not treat each other with respect.”
Rabbi Akiva is famous for his principle that the command to love your neighbor as yourself is the fundamental principle of the Torah. Similarly in Tractate Shabbat 31a, there is the famous story about a man interested in converting to Judaism. He asked Hillel to teach him the whole Torah “while standing on one foot”. Hillel instructed him: “What you would not want done to you, do not do to others.”
While loving your neighbor is a beautiful concept and can lead to a much more cohesive society, the question is what does it have to do with investing and personal finance? The answer is that there is another milestone that we mark on the 33rd of the Omer, and that’s the beginning of the wedding season.
BEFORE I GET into the money issues, I want to give a small bit of advice for newlyweds (and it’s good for anyone who’s married). Remember that “loving your neighbor as yourself” applies to your spouse as well. We jump when asked by an elderly neighbor to change a light bulb or carry a heavy bag for them. But if our spouse asks us to bring them a cup of water, or take out the garbage the response is often, “I’m in the middle of something. I’ll do it in 2-3 minutes!”
It’s no wonder that kids give the same response. I’ll take this opportunity to apologize to my wife for my not always jumping up and doing what she requests.
I have mentioned numerous times that the number-one reason for divorce is money issues. No one wants to speak about divorce before or immediately after a wedding, but if the couple can be of one mind when it comes to finances, the chances for marital success increase substantially. In fact, over the last couple months I have met with a few recently divorced people and after doing some digging, lack of financial trust was a major issue.
Each partner in a marriage needs to treat the other with respect, especially when it comes to money issues. While it’s not so easy at the initial stages of a marriage, the couple need to be on the same wavelength when it comes to financial decisions, and both should know about all bank accounts, investment accounts and debts. In other words: no financial secrets. The newlyweds need to be patient. Trying to bring two individuals with different financial backgrounds and approaches to work in sync can take time.
There are a few things that can be done that will get the couple on the right path. Make a list of all income, assets, and debts – including credit cards and loans that you each bring into the marriage. You may need to change and add names to bank account accounts. You will also need to name your spouse as beneficiary on certain investment accounts.
Start tracking all money spent and earned. Nadav Ellinson of the Money by Design blog just did a great write up of the best budgeting apps that are good for Israel. Remember that you are no longer single. You can’t spend money like you used to. You need to spend in coordination with your partner.
The new couple should start a disciplined savings plan. Use some of the wedding gift money for this purpose. The earlier they invest and save, the earlier they become financially secure.
Reinforcing good financial habits at the beginning of a marriage means that there is a great chance they will live financially smart over the longterm. This will go a long way in avoiding the pitfalls of financial mismanagement that plague so many marriages.
The information contained in this article reflects the opinion of the author and not necessarily the opinion of Portfolio Resources Group, Inc. or its affiliates. Aaron Katsman is the author of Retirement GPS: How to Navigate Your Way to A Secure Financial Future with Global Investing.