Is he living a double life?
Dear Counsellor,
I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 12 years and I have never met anyone from my partner’s family. I have raised concerns, and each time I do he will get angry. At first I asked about any other relationship, and he said he had no one else and he was single. However, he was a father. I accepted that and continued the relationship. During our years of friendship I had became suspicious and asked him about that, and he had denied it. I still continued, because I loved him. To date I have found about two other children with someone else, who he has been living with in another parish. I keep asking him if he’s married and he keeps denying it.
I am in need of your help now because I don’t want to continue living like this.
Thanks for getting on
The Couch. Long distance relationships are not easy, and 12 years is quite a stretch. Prolonged long distance relationships aren’t recommended — too much risk, too little reward. However, regarding this specific situation, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. That’s from Maya Angelou. It’s sad that people ignore glaring and blatant red flags. Yes, love is blind, but we must make sure that “blind” doesn’t mean naive or silly. Deception is a big deal and it should not be accepted, especially when found in the dating phase. If you realise that someone you are with has been lying to you about an issue, that’s a big draw-thebrake moment. However, take heart.
Be happy you found out before an engagement or marriage.
You mentioned that he gets angry when you raise the issue of never meeting his family. Understand that when people get defensive it means they have something to defend. If it’s something relevant for a healthy relationship then it usually means they are defending an untruth. Someone who loves you will generally want you to be comfortable with them and confident in the relationship.
You are smart to have determined that you don’t want to continue down this road.
My advice:
Be honest with yourself: You seem to know what is really going on. So definitely make new plans. If you have confirmed the things you’ve mentioned, don’t allow him to gaslight you to make you feel you’re misguided. Don’t allow Shaggy’s It wasn’t me to work on you. You shouldn’t waste your time deceiving yourself and allowing yourself to be deceived.
Stand your ground and don’t be sucked in: 12 years is a long time, so you must have been burying reality for a while. It may mean that you’re emotionally vulnerable — lonely or you have low self-esteem. However, you will need to stand your ground. You may need further help, so see a counsellor.
Take time to heal: Once you have unplugged yourself from this situation, take some time to heal. You’ll probably go through a whole range of emotions, but don’t allow any bitterness to take root. Forgive him and move on. Do something enjoyable with friends and family. Or take up a dance class, hiking, riding, or another exercise to distract yourself. Find a good counsellor or at the least a mature friend who you can speak with. Give yourself time to become emotionally stable, then you’ll be emotionally available for whatever else may be on the horizon. Become excited about just being you!
Learn from this experience: Use this as a learning opportunity. It is said “trust, but verify”. Falling in love always makes us vulnerable, yet we must guard against unnecessary risks and exposure. If you see a red flag, stop and address it. Get clarity until you’re comfortable, or else don’t move on! I pray for your peace of mind and for your strength.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.