Haemorrhoid can tickle
WE OFTEN asked Haemorrhoid why he took so long to tell a story. Regular readers already know Haemorrhoid. Ernest H. Flower was a lazy, articled clerk who complained bitterly about “piles and piles” of files on his desk. He was forever lamenting: “All I want is a clean slate!”That distinctive work ethic, together with his middle initial, earned him a colourful nickname. He was hopeless at dominoes but always welcome as a kibitzer once he paid the entrance fee by telling one of his hilarious, shaggy-dog tales.
He would reply that, as a lawyer-in-training, he, like Dickens, knew words were essential to his livelihood. Then he told us about a lawyer who sent his clients a circular Christmas card.
The lawyer bought a card from his friendly neighbourhood pharmacy inside which was printed “I wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year”. By the time the final product arrived, clients noticed red pen strikeouts and insertions made by the lawyer. The card eventually read “I wish you [but in no way guarantee] a [reasonably] Merry Christmas [and/or festive period including but not limited to] a[reasonably] happy [twelve (12) months from the date hereof].”
“Lawyers,” Haemorrhoid cackled
“never use ten words where a hundred will do!”
I thought of him often over the last ‘festive period’ but especially when my attention was drawn to an online query from ‘Joy’ beneath my December 29 column headlined ‘Tom drunk, him nuh fool’. Joy commented:
“Very insightful. So funny and well written. I have a question though. What the gungus natty is gungus natty?? DWL.”
First, thanks for the kind words, Joy. THAT feedback never gets tired. I just know if I passed your query on to Haemorrhoid, he’d respond by telling me his famous story of the frustrated tickler.
Harry liked Mary but was too shy to tell her openly. He needed an icebreaker, which he had to create all on his own as he had no friends willing to act as wingmen.
So he devised a plan to catch Mary unawares and tickle her until she laughed out loud. In his imagination, she then collapsed with laughter into his arms, and he would take it from there.
But, try as he might, he couldn’t find a way to surprise her so decided he’d offer her a trip to County Tipperary, Ireland, where he might creep up on her while she was engrossed in one of the many tourist attractions. He didn’t tell her he’d be there, but secretly bought himself a ticket on a separate plane while giving Mary and her mother tickets as well as a tour to take in the idyllic beauty of Lough Derg.
When Harry arrived in Tipperary, he immediately sought out the Tour company’s crusty owner, Paddy, who he asked to help with his plan. Paddy was incredulous “you’ve gone to all dis trooble to find an odd way to tell a girl ye like her?” he asked.
“Yes,” said Harry. “She’s not expecting to see me. I’m going to sneak up behind and tickle her ’til she falls into my arms.”
“Well,” offered a taciturn Paddy. “Good thing you didn’t try Piccadilly or Leicester Square, because already it’s a long way to tickle Mary!”
ANYTHING MEANING YOU WANT
Joy, gungus natty means whatever you want it to mean. If I told you (in writing) to kiss my granny gungus natty (or my red, wrinkled rungus kungus mi nungus), Gleaner censors wouldn’t bat an eye. But if I put it differently, the howls of prudish protest emanating from North Street would disturb Noise Abatement Act provisions (however relaxed) more than any 3 a.m. dancehall session.
I keep saying the meaning of words is in the eyes and ears of beholders. Sometimes you have to go a long way around the mulberry bush to tickle Mary ’til she pop or you’ll never deliver your message.
Peace and love!