My husband is giving me hell

Dear Pastor, I am an American woman married for six years to a Jamaican man. We are both 27. I was deeply in love with him and fully committed to our marriage.

For the first four years we did not live together, but I visited him frequently in Jamaica. At one point, I spent three months there.

We seemed to have the perfect relationship. When I returned home, we spoke on the phone almost daily.

We talked specifically about our expectations when he arrived and he said he was ready to assume his role as a husband and a father.

Also, during this time I was completely faithful and sometimes terribly lonely, but the phone calls and reassurance he gave to me kept me going.

We have two sons together and I am pregnant again.

He has been in America for almost two years. The first year was a living hell. He was caught with several numbers from different females.

On one occasion, we got into a huge fight about a month after he came to America because he wanted to drive my vehicle which had no licence and registration.

When I told him no, he became violent. He was also confronted by a man in front of our son’s school because he said something inappropriate to his 13-year-old daughter.

Apparently, he told the 13year-old girl he thought she was pretty. Needless to say, this has torn our relationship apart. I no longer trust him and have asked him to leave several times.

He has tried to convince me that these were huge mistakes and a lot of it is cultural, and also that he is young and still learning how to be a good father and a committed husband.

DEPRESSED AND ANGRY

When I confronted him about the phone numbers, he admitted that he had them and said he was sorry. He is still in my life, but I have found myself very depressed and angry.

I feel like I have wasted six years of my life on this man and I don’t want to waste one minute more with him.

I am torn by my vows to my husband and family and my inability to put these things behind me.

He is an excellent father to his sons and has gone to great lengths to win back my affection. But last week, after months of us trying to rebuild some kind of trust and reassurance, he was caught in another lie. I was awakened by my younger son and saw that it was almost 4 a.m., so I waited up for him. I watched through the window as he sped up the driveway in the car and ran through the backyard to our home as if to get in before I woke up. He was pretending he had been at home for hours and acted as though he came straight from work. When I asked where he had been, he said “nowhere.” Finally, he told me that he went to a bar after work with co-workers. If this is the truth, why lie about it? I am hurt and disgusted and can’t take it anymore. Please help me! T.W. Dear T.W., I suggest that you make an appointment for your husband and yourself to see a family counsellor.

I have no doubt in my mind that you truly love this man and have done your very best to be a good wife. In your opinion, your husband is a good father.

Nevertheless, he is playing the fool. And you have been very patient with him. He does not realise that you can give him a serious beating.

If you were to leave him and take him to court for support, he would have to pay up and he would have loose bowels every week. It is time for him to pull up his socks and stop the fooling around.

You have your faults, too. I do not believe that you should search his phone or question him about every number you may see in his phone.

On the other hand, he is a very foolish man. If he is out with the boys, he is out with boys. But at least he should call you and tell you he is going to be late in coming home. I cannot blame you for not believing him.

I beg you, do not be in a hurry to leave him. Try your best to save your marriage. I repeat, go and see a family counsellor.

I hope that after you have had a series of counselling, your husband would become a better husband and father. Do let me hear from you again.

Pastor.