Madly in love with a ly­ing, cheat­ing man

The Star (Jamaica) - - Pastor -

Dear Pas­tor,

I have been with a guy for al­most two years. We have a child to­gether, she’s al­most five months.

In Sep­tem­ber, I re­alised he has been com­mu­ni­cat­ing with an ex so that led me to search his phone and hack his What­sApp. I saw mes­sages that he sent to a class­mate of his and deleted the mes­sages. That seemed very sus­pi­cious.

The mes­sages made me break down into tears and made me felt as though I couldn’t trust him. That was not the first time he had cheated. He had done so four months into our re­la­tion­ship and I ba­si­cally ig­nored it.

He said she was nag­ging him for it, so he just gave in so she would stop. What an ex­cuse! He had to stop from school for a while be­cause he didn’t have the money. He loaned a friend of his money and his friend re­fused to give him back; and he also said that he did it to help with the friend’s baby.

There­fore, I sus­pected that due to that he wouldn’t be see­ing her of­ten. But he will be con­tin­u­ing school in Sep­tem­ber, which means he will be hav­ing con­tact with this girl. Who to tell, if he will not be con­tin­u­ing this re­la­tion­ship with her?

I con­fronted him about the What­sApp mes­sages I saw and also a sex video, which was sent from his phone when I was five month preg­nant. His re­sponse was ‘it was some­one from a past en­counter’ but it was sent dur­ing the week­end he should have been in school.

The video showed him hav­ing un­pro­tected sex with this girl. The video only showed the sheet on a bed, her legs, her bot­tom and an item on the floor. I was then faced with a crit­i­cal de­ci­sion of what to do, so I checked out her Face­book, In­sta­gram and LinkedIn be­cause I felt com­pelled to mes­sage her. And I also wanted to con­firm if she was the one in the video.

To my sur­prise, the im­ages of the girl had the same skin type as the girl in the video. After I con­fronted him he knelt be­fore me and lied, but he had a guilty look on his face so I knew I had to get more in­for­ma­tion. Thus, I con­tin­ued the hack­ing oc­ca­sion­ally. In De­cem­ber, I no­ticed that he started tex­ting some­one else, there was no name; just a num­ber.

So, I mon­i­tored the mes­sages un­til I read a mes­sage and had to re­spond pre­tend­ing that he was re­spond­ing to her.

I later found out that the num­ber was for the same class­mate. He had her num­ber stored in his other phone. I spoke to some­one about it who said I should not call the girl and I should re­mem­ber my daugh­ter. What I re­mem­bered was me telling him days be­fore Labour Day that I wanted him to come with me to a church func­tion and him tak­ing her and some other al­leged class­mate to a strip club and ho­tel over night on the girls birth­day and I re­mem­ber how much that hurt.

He did some­thing that stood out in my mind when he came back; he placed his clothes in the washer. I de­cided I would con­front him so I hacked the phone and he woke up in the night and dis­cov­ered what I did. I could tell he knew what I did be­cause he paused twice be­fore com­ing back to bed. He only said I should stop.

Since he al­ready knew, I used the op­por­tu­nity to ask about the num­ber. He pre­tended as though he didn’t know of the per­son. I just got spe­cific after and told him who it was and he’s ig­nor­ing the mat­ter ever since. He claims that he doesn’t want to speak of any­thing neg­a­tive.

I made no apol­ogy. I sup­pose he wasn’t sorry. Each time he touches me all I see is the video. I need your ad­vice on what I should do. I am so stressed. I cry when I’m alone and I am an­gry. I love him. I have a daugh­ter by him, but this is not how I wanted my life to be.


Dear S.J.,

This man be­lieves that he can fool around with other women as long as he wishes to do so. He is not really in love with you. He is a big liar. If you were to care­fully an­a­lyze what he has told you, you would see that he is giv­ing the im­pres­sion that it is the girls who are after him and he is try­ing to fa­cil­i­tate them.

Even if you con­tinue to search his phone, etc, that would not help the re­la­tion­ship. It would hurt you more be­cause you are go­ing to con­tinue to see things in there that he is do­ing. You have to make up your mind whether you wish to con­tinue this re­la­tion­ship or not. And, if you were to con­tinue, how would that help you?

I would sug­gest that you se­ri­ously con­sider leav­ing him. You did not say whether or not you are work­ing. If you are not em­ployed, do your best to get your­self a job.


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