Didn’t know my son lost his virginity

Dear Pastor,

I am 38 years old and recently I was going through my 14-year-old son’s school bag and I saw some pornographic magazines. I was so shocked.

I asked him where he got them. He said his friend lent them to him. I am a big man and I have not seen anything so graphic and this boy is doing so well in school. Plus, he is so quiet. I wasn’t aware that this is what he had been looking at. I told him that if he has more, he should bring them to me so I can burn them. He begged me not to burn them because he will give them back to his friend. I had never gone into his phone but I decided that I had to investigate and he held on to his phone and didn’t want to show me the kind of messages he has on his phone from girls. So, since he is a big man, I decided to talk to him like a big man.

I asked him if he has ever interfered with any girl and he asked me what I meant. So I asked him if he has ever had sex with any girl and he said a couple of times. But the girl is 16 years old and he did not use any condoms. His mother left him with me from the time he was nine years old and she went away. He has been a good boy and I have tried my best with him. People always congratulate me for taking care of my children. I have another son, but he is on his own.

I was talking to a counsellor but that counsellor made me feel like I am a failure and I feel so bad because I have tried. I want to know how you feel about my situation. I did not bother to burn the books. I told him to return them to the person who lent them to him.

S.T.

Dear S.T.,

Don’t look at yourself as a failure. This young man is 14 years old and he is at the age where he is inquisitive. He is living in a society in which everyone talks about sex and how great sex is. His older friends talk to him about it and the magazines and pornographic literature are everywhere. They are easy to obtain and it is natural for him to want to see pictures of men and woman having sex.

Girls introduce themselves to guys all the time and the girl he had sex with is 16. Perhaps she introduced sex to him. But perhaps not. You ought to be careful not to get angry with him. You should sit and calmly talk to him about relationships. Don’t consider yourself a failure. One never knows what children will do. Assure him that you are there for him, but you are disappointed and he should put away all pornographic literature and concentrate on his schoolwork. You should also tell him that although he is 14, he can impregnate a girl, so he should endeavour to abstain from sex.

Pastor