Boyfriend wants his children to live with us

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 years old and I am in love with a man who is 28. He does higglering for a living, so he works very hard. Sometimes I am sorry for him.

Before we started our relationship, he was living with his children’s mother. They have two children together. But the woman had two other children. She would take the money he gave her and support all her children. He says that sometimes his children were hungry because they did not have enough to eat and she was always saying that they are too greedy.

Sometimes when he was going home, he had to stop and buy some chicken for the children. He could not take it any more so they broke up. He is still supporting the children. But this woman wants him to take them. She says no man is going to take her with four children.

I lost two children and it doesn’t seem as if I will have any. This man is begging me to allow him to take the two children that he has with this woman and that would prevent him from giving her any money. I told him that that would tie me down. I don’t want this woman calling me and asking about her children. He said that wouldn’t happen.

I don’t know if this man will change. But whatever money he makes, he brings it straight home and we count it and decide how we would spend it. He likes to buy the Lotto, so I give him a little out of what he brings home and he gets pocket money.

My friends tell me that he is a good man because only good men take everything home. I want him to stop gambling but he says that is his only enjoyment. These children are very young, ages five and seven. I am asking you to help me make a decision about them.

S.

Dear S.,

You will be making a very major decision. This man told you that he supports his children by giving their mother money every week. But instead she uses the money to support her other children. I don’t think that this man is all together correct. The way he said it is that she was not getting any money from the father of her other children. But even if that was so, she will be a very cruel mother to allow her children to go without enough food. So I believe that she supported the children. One reason why she wants their father to take them is because she is angry with him for breaking off the relationship with her and establishing one with you. So if you want the man, you should want his children also.

I believe he is a hard worker. But I will not encourage you to take those children permanently. Perhaps what you should do is to let him ask this woman how much she will need every week to take care of those children. Then when this man comes home to you every week, you should put aside the money for the children and let him take the money to their mother. Or you can help him to make an arrangement about how she can get that amount.

If this woman still insists that she wants to give up the two children and you are not prepared to take them, he should consider asking his relatives to keep them. If his mother is alive and she is strong enough and willing to take them, let her have them. You can agree for the children to spend time with you sometimes on weekends. But you should not take them permanently. This man might also have sisters or aunts who will assist him with those children. But you should not take them as your total responsibility because the both of you are not married. To take those children would mean that you are making a total commitment with this man, one which you may not be able to keep.

Pastor

‘I lost two children and it doesn’t seem as if I will have any. This man is begging me to allow him to take the two children that he has with this woman and that would prevent him from giving her any money.’