Teaching children to mind manners
Over the Thanksgiving long weekend, I had family and friends visiting from Michigan and California. Having aunts and uncles over and getting to do all kinds of fun stuff like staying up late, eating junk food and all, it was a lot of fun for the kids.
But for me, it was a challenging few days to struggle with one area of parenting that strikes me as surprisingly tough — teaching my children manners. You’d think teaching “thank you,” “sorry,” and “excuse me” wouldn’t be that hard. True, that’s not exactly the most challenging part, although children tend to hesitate for way too long before they finally decide to spit out the magic words.
After a few episodes of disappointment, I realized that my kids needed a nice and thorough reminder before any event i n which they have to practice good manners and etiquette. For example, if we get invited to someone’s house, I would turn off the music in the car at least 10 minutes before we arrive and begin my being-a-good-guest lecture.
When children get excited, they forget. Even adults forget so I don’t blame my children for this. They just need a strong and specific — a very specific — reminder.
Like saying “hello” when you meet the host, taking off their shoes and putting them neatly aside, sitting down for the entire meal, saying “thank you for the food” before and after the meal, sharing toys especially with younger children, cleaning up after playing, and saying “goodbye” and “thank you” again upon departure.
The list is actually pretty lengthy and it may be somewhat demanding for a three-year-old to follow through completely. That’s probably why I sometimes find myself getting frustrated and end up scolding my kids after any kind of social event. So imagine a whole week with guests and a whole week of getting showered with all that love and attention.
The girls got way too excited and somehow threw their manners out the door.
When children really connect with someone, they tend to think of that person as their friend — as in friend at the same level. In Korean culture, a three-year-old can’t exactly be a friend to a 35-year-old. So it was difficult to watch Ellen constantly jumping and climbing on my brother-in-law’s back and talking to him like he’s a fellow three-year-old. In the Korean language, honorifics are a very important deal. It’s so important that even parents speak to their little ones in honorifics to set an example that they, too, should speak to adults in such a way.
Now, I’m all for leading by example. But that’s one thing I never really got. I didn’t like the idea of adults speaking to two-year-olds with all that respect. I admit, I was that judging mom. So is that why my kids keep blowing it when it comes to using honorifics? Because I didn’t use them when speaking to them? Did I make the mistake not to follow what a lot of other parents are doing?
I’d hate to admit that is the reason. Whatever the reason, I’ve realized that I really need to start emphasizing and reiterating on a daily basis the i mportance of speaking with respect to elders.
And while at it, I looked into what parenting experts consider realistic for preschoolers in terms of manners.
I came to learn that age three is not yet a ripe age to expect impeccable manners and etiquette. OK, that’s good to know. It gives me a little excuse to back off a bit. They say age three is when everything starts so it’s an ideal time for parents to set a good example.
For instance, when your spouse is standing in front of the refrigerator door when you need to open it, be sure to say “excuse me” instead of pushing him.
The habit of saying “sorry,” “thank you,” and “please” begins with parents. The next one on this short list is yet another thing I struggle through with my girls — interrupting others. It’s like every time I’m on the phone, some mysterious force triggers my children to act up in new and extreme ways. I’ve repeatedly told them that they need to keep quiet when I’m speaking to someone else, but that simple concept just hasn’t set in yet. The last realistic expectation for a three-year-old is finally something my twins have mastered — sort of. It’s eating at the table. Maybe because they’re so used to sitting in their high-chairs at meal times, they don’t seem to mind being at the table for 15 to 30 minutes, especially when there is good food to keep them occupied.
Going down the list of all the manners and etiquette parents should eventually teach their children, I realized that some things that even I’m guilty of not fulfilling myself.
I have three sets of little eyes on me now so there are no more excuses for mom.