Daughters blame mom’s fiance for breaking up marriage

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I plan to be married next year. I met her after she left her husband because he had cheated on her twice. She refuses to tell her daughters that she left their dad because he cheated, so I am doomed to be the “bad guy” for eternity.

They think I’m “the man who stole Mama from Daddy.” Her youngest (age 25) thinks I’m the devil incarnate and is unbelievably rude to me, no matter who is around. I’m thinking marriage will be hell because she and her mother interact every day. What am I to do? BLAMELESS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR BLAMELESS: This is not a question of what “you” should do. It’s a question of what you and your fiancee should do together. While it may not be necessary for her to tell her adult daughters that their father was a cheater, and that’s the reason she left him, she should definitely call a family meeting and clear the air by telling them that you were not the reason the marriage ended. She should also insist that you be treated with respect — if not affection.

However, if she’s unwilling to do that, then you should seriously consider calling off the wedding because a marriage under those conditions would be miser- able for you. Her daughters would guarantee it.

DEAR ABBY: I thought I was a pretty good parent, but I am stumped when it comes to my 13-year-old daughter. The latest point of contention is that she has gotten into the habit of telling her father and me to “shut up.” She does it when we are playing with each other.

In spite of the fact that I have corrected her and told her it is disrespectful and unacceptable, she insists there is nothing wrong with it. She says that it’s just a hang-up that I have and other parents wouldn’t care.

I don’t care if other parents would allow it or not. She has earned consequences for it, and yet turns right around and implies that my scolding her basically earned my being told to shut up. I can’t believe her lack of logic when arguing her point. She’s really baffled as to why it is an inappropriate thing to say, and I’m baffled at her obstinance.

BAFFLED IN TEXAS

DEAR BAFFLED: Explain to your daughter that there are some things teens can say to each other that are inappropriate when said to their parents. (“Shut up!” can be used to express amazement or surprise at hearing something without being meant as disrespectful.) That said, if this expression your daughter uses offends you, she should have enough respect for you that she refrains from using it at home.