Respect for parents
Rooted in many cultural bases, including Confucianism, respect for parents ranks high among Korean values. Hyodo in Korean and xiao shun in Chinese, it forms one pillar of society and conditions all relations indirectly. Similar relations bind “juniors” and “seniors,” students and teachers, and subordinates and supervisors. We should show respect and regard for those who come before us and whom we succeed.
One should respect one’s elders, both in childhood and adulthood. Children should extend piety in recognizing parental views on important subjects, for the choice of friends, careers and future spouses. Children ought not abandon their parents at the end of life, or during the preceding years of retirement and rest.
Western societies also value respect for parents. The Fourth Commandment says all children must honor their parents, all the days of their lives. Much behavior shows filial respect in Euro-American societies.
Let’s explore this idea. It bears repeating, since without it, families fall apart. At the same time, what counts as respect for parents today changes in its outward signs or expression.
My wife is Chinese, and recently we’ve watched a 2018 drama called the “Legend of Haolan.” It tells the story of Li Haolan and the chaotic power struggles of the Warring States. At various times in the series, a king or royal person praises someone who displays respect for their parents. Haolan and others suffer and endure trials because of adhering to the demands of piety or failing to keep them. Rebels or traitors follow self-advantage often at its expense.
Recently I viewed the Czech movie “Ice Mother” about a widow who struggles to preserve family harmony. Her two adult sons argue with each other over control of the family.
The mother tries to keep their traditional home warm and inviting. She suffers from loneliness, facing a loss of inspiration. Eventually all recognize that holding onto the past can mark the present for failure. This involves the children correcting the loss of respect for their parents.
I think there is no universal recipe for respecting one’s parents. Each child has their own abilities and potential. Not all wealthy children will be wealthy adults. All parents can’t provide the same launchpad for success. The present generation has seen a decrease in expected real incomes and wealth. It also has seen rising costs and life expectations, both in Korea and the United States. The goal of bettering one’s parents as a return on their investment isn’t, generally, possible. Doing just as well today is often unrealistic too.
We’ve all read and experienced the stories of parents’ extreme sacrifices for their children. To my mind, this isn’t the basis for respect for parents, since modeling children’s expectations on heroism is foolish.
No child can repay the sacrifice parents make, beginning with mothers, to bring to life and nurture a child to adulthood and as adults. Piety isn’t a calculus or banking of credits and debits.
Another tack must include parents not making piety into a cudgel. Growing individualism in Asian societies affects piety. Happy is the parent whose support of children makes possible and a reality their general self-sufficiency and independence. A parent whose child receives love and support for independent choices finds happiness in a child who isn’t a creature of parental whims trumped up as duty.
Parents need to recognize they can breed their own worst enemies. Children need to recognize if they’re made by their parents’ fame, fortune and wealth, what have they succeeded in themselves?
The accent of hyodo is from child to parent. It stands for never leaving parents to age to death in solitude. When parents and children live too far apart, this increases the burdens on both sides and lessens piety. This has been the subject of much comment in South Korea. The same is true in America. The loss of inter-generational households and the increase in urbanization make it more difficult to uphold parental respect.
We must continue to practice hyodo, since on its basis the possibilities of present and future generations will continue to depend.