Husband merely bystander as wife goes off rails
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for close to a year, and in this short time I’ve seen a side of my wife I’ve never seen before. Although I met her during a period of sobriety, she drinks now.
The problem is what she does when she drinks. On one occasion, she was supposed to go to the market and return on foot. Instead I found her in a car with a stranger, drinking and high. On another occasion, she got drunk and had a male friend with whom she’d been intimate in the past pick her and all her belongings up and left me watching her drive away with him. She later called apologizing profusely from a different man’s apartment begging me to pick her up.
Her latest is when she told me she put a “code” on her phone so I couldn’t find out where she had been. She says she loves me with all her heart and there’s no one else, but I find it very hard to believe.
Am I the world’s biggest, dumbest doormat for not divorcing her? — SUCKER OUT WEST
DEAR “SUCKER”: If you haven’t already contacted your physician, schedule an appointment and be tested for any STDs your wife may have passed along to you after one of her escapades. This scenario will continue until she comes to the realization that if she doesn’t immediately get help for her drinking, her marriage is over. The question is whether she’s willing to give up her addictions to alcohol, whatever other substances she may be sampling, and sex with other men.
Loving her doesn’t make you dumb or a doormat. However, sooner or later you must accept that you can’t fix what’s wrong with her, and you’ll have to decide how much more pain you can tolerate.
DEAR ABBY: I have a single friend in her 40s. She has very noticeable vertical lines between her eyes when in animated conversation that detract greatly from her sweet face. She’s on a limited income. I’d like to suggest Botox for her, and I’m willing to pay for it with a gift card or cash. Would it be OK to suggest it to her? — BEAUTY HELPER IN TENNESSEE
DEAR HELPER: While I’m sure you mean well, if you bring this to your friend’s attention, you may make her self-conscious. Although Botox treatments can make a positive difference in someone’s appearance, they are only temporary. To maintain that “fresh” look, they must be repeated, and unless you plan to pay for her Botox in perpetuity, you shouldn’t give her something she can’t afford.
DEAR ABBY: I recently started talking to this guy from my past. I really like him. We’ve been off and on for a year now because we both had things in our lives that needed attention first (i.e., my bipolar depression and seeking counseling).
Anyway, my best friend has threatened to remove me from her life if I pursue a relationship with him. On one hand, this guy makes me feel like I’m on fire — in a good way, of course. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to lose my best friend. What do I do? — HARD CHOICE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR HARD CHOICE: You omitted something important from your letter. WHY does your best friend object to this guy so strongly? Is she jealous? Could it have something to do with his issues? The last time you were with him, did it end badly? HOW badly? Your best friend may be attempting to save you, but she’s going about it clumsily. Talk to her.