Stepparents at the wedding?
Experts advise being inclusive
With a loving act of kindness, Brittany Peck's dad made her wedding-day dream come true. Just before her father, Todd Bachman, walked her down the aisle on Sept 26, 2015, he stopped the processional and continued down the aisle alone to grab the hand of her stepfather and make a surprise invitation that left everyone teary-eyed. "He asked my stepdad to stand up and said, 'You deserve this just as much as I do. Will you help me walk our daughter down the aisle?'" Peck recalled, adding that just she and her groom, Jeremy Peck, and their photographer knew of her dad's plan.
For Peck, 22, whose parents split up when she was young and spent years fighting for custody of her and her sister, being given away by her father and her stepfather, Todd Cendrosky, was exactly how she envisioned getting married. But after all her family had been through, she never thought her father would share the spotlight with the second man Peck calls Dad.
"It was the best gift that my father could have ever given me," said Peck, of Elyria, Ohio. "It was a dream of mine, and when it came true, it was so awesome." "Him showing everyone and me how he could just be so humble and put all their differences aside meant the absolute world to me," she added. The moment brought joy and inspiration to millions as the story and photos went viral. It was a nice reminder of how important it is to be inclusive on your wedding day, said Darcy Miller, editor at large of Martha Stewart Weddings.
Bride and groom
"It reminds people again that it's a day to all be together, and it's about two people getting married, and it's not about whatever anyone's personal politics are," she said. Miller believes most couples include stepparents in the wedding. While there is no set rule on how to do so, couples should consider family relationships and dynamics to decide what feels right. "Sometimes it might be pretty straightforward, and other times it's very complicated," Miller said. "You, as a bride and groom, have to know your family politics. It is your day, but it is also about your family and being sensitive to what works for everyone and making sure everyone feels included."
Eva Zimmerman, whose parents divorced when she was 4, grew up feeling as if she had two sets of parents after her mom and dad remarried, and she gave her stepmother and stepfather prominent roles in her wedding. During her ceremony on March 23, 2014, in Berkeley, California, her mother and stepmother walked down the aisle together on the arm of her brother. Her stepfather, who had long been a spiritual guide in Zimmerman's life, helped create the ceremony and served as the officiant.
"I wanted to keep the tradition of having my dad walk me down the aisle, but I wanted my stepdad involved," she said. "My stepdad has been a huge support of our relationship and also a huge support of me in my life, and he just seemed like the perfect fit to be an officiant." A special moment was walking down the aisle with her dad toward her groom, Noah Schreck, with her stepfather standing at the altar. "It was really, really beautiful to walk down the aisle holding my dad's arm and seeing my husband with my stepdad," recalled Zimmerman, 31. "It was dreamlike to have those men present for that moment in my life." Whatever you decide, it's crucial - as with most everything in a wedding - to plan it ahead of time, and it's a good idea to communicate your plans with everyone involved, parents and stepparents, so nobody's caught off guard on the already emotional day.
"The goal is to not only avoid hard feelings but to avoid any extra tension on the wedding day itself," Miller said. There are various ways of acknowledging a stepparent at your nuptials. A stepfather could walk a bride down the aisle with her dad if they all felt comfortable, like what ended up happening with Peck, or stepparents could be part of the processional. If they are not walking down the aisle, you can give them a special role, like reciting a reading or prayer, Miller said. A stepparent's name can be included in the program with some words of thanks, or a stepmom can be acknowledged with a small nosegay or special flower, she said. You can give her a gift like an embroidered handkerchief, and including a note of appreciation goes a long way.
There are even more subtle ways to make someone feel connected to the big day. A stepmom could attend a dress fitting, perhaps when the bride's mother is not there; she could help bake a treat for the favor or be in charge of bustling the gown, Miller says. A stepfather could give a toast during the celebration. Los Angeles wedding planner Beth Helmstetter says most couples she works with include a stepparent in the processional. For those who don't, they may set out a place card so the stepparents have a reserved seat for when their spouse sits down. She said couples shouldn't feel obligated to treat stepparents exactly the same as a parent, but should acknowledge them if they have been a parent to you. Also, think of the future. "Keep in mind the decision you make on your wedding day - hurt or non-hurt feelings will affect your relationship for a really long time," said Helmstetter. "I wouldn't do anything out of spite or to be hurtful. That's still your family." — AP
Big day