KHARINA KHARUDDIN
One part Malaysian, one part American, Kharina is definitely no stranger on social media. A model, a content creator, a social media influencer and an advocate, the list goes on as to ‘who is Kharina Kharuddin’. While mainly posting glossy, glamorous and happy travel pictures, it might appear as if she lives her best life most of the time. But behind her smile and fun-loving demeanor, it is not all sunshine and rainbows. In this interview, Kharina speaks up about her struggles with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and the stigma surrounding it.
OCD differs from person to person—how did yours manifest? What are some of the first symptoms you’ve had with it and what problems did it cause you in your daily life?
Looking back on it now, I realise I’ve actually lived with anxiety and OCD since I was a child. I just didn’t understand or know what it was, what it meant or why I felt the way I did. It started off with silly things like feeling the need to flip a light switch on and off until it felt ‘right’ or making up some stupid routine to do before I could do something and feel satisfied with it. But I was always an anxious kid which my parents can definitely vouch for. When I was younger it was less severe and as I got older, it got worse but I think it’s also because my anxiety and OCD are tied together and in a sense̶they feed off each other and my deepest darkest fears which make it even worse. 2011 was when I was at my absolute worst and I was just starting to realise what could be causing me to have these irrational feelings and thoughts, and I can safely yet sadly say that since then, there isn’t a single day I don’t deal with some form of anxiety or OCD̶ it’s just a matter of how bad or good a day will be as it can literally change hourly which most people don’t understand.
What’s the most useful help / support you have received in dealing with your disorder?
It sounds super cringe but my boyfriend who has to deal with me the most has probably been the biggest help alongside my family and close friends. It’s not easy or fun being around someone who has these kinds of irrational thoughts or constant anxiety on the daily, and not knowing when or how bad or good a person will feel on a day-to-day basis so I’m thankful I always have them by my side even when it gets annoying and repetitive, because it DOES and that’s just fact.
What is the most misunderstood thing about OCD?
That it’s only about cleanliness. IT’S NOT. OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which means you obsessively and compulsively do things or have thoughts that any normal person would rationalise and know isn’t true but to someone with OCD, even though they know it’s irrational, the feelings and thoughts overpower rationality and they feel the need to repeat or do or say something until it feels ‘right’. It’s kind of hard to explain.
What has OCD taught you about human nature?
It has taught me that we are all different. Not just looks or personality wise but the way our brains work. Anyone who has any form of a mental health issue would especially understand this because humans tend to only show empathy and understanding towards things they understand or are familiar with themselves̶which makes mental health a difficult topic to talk about because no one will truly understand how you feel except you. That’s why I feel like a lot of people sit and suffer with mental disorders in silence because most of the time when you do speak up, you’re considered weak, crazy or told that it’s all ‘in your head’ which NEVER helps anyone’s situation.
What’s the best bit of advice you can give to someone living with OCD or anxiety?
It’s okay to talk to people and it’s okay to ask for help. I’m not good at taking my own advice and I know everyone deals with things differently. But for me, being able to tell someone all the stupid thoughts and things that go on in my head while being reassured that I’m not crazy and that it’s going to be okay gets me through most days. I know personally, I have a long way to go. Mental health doesn’t just fix itself in a day and that goes for everyone. It’s going to be a constant work in progress and more people need to know that it’s okay to not always feel fine and to ask for help. Hopefully in the years to come, the stigma around mental health and having mental disorders will become a lot less taboo.