Shifting roles “A

child can never care for his parents the way his parents took care of him. The time, care, and sacrifice put in over the years can never be measured or repaid.”

How often have I heard this? You see the sentiment being bandied in commercials whenever festive seasons roll in. It’s almost as if there’s a need to beg the child not to forget his parents. I hear this directed to children regardless of their age — by their parents. I’m wondering now about the stereotyping of these situations. I’m not in any way denying the truth of the matter; I’m merely reflecting on the flipside of the situation.

I think that sacrifice borne out of love and a sense of duty goes both ways. We all know of those stories, of parents going beyond their means and call of duty for the sake of their children so that they can have a good future, or better future than theirs. Those having children with special needs have unique stories to tell.

We also know of stories where the children have put their lives on hold just to care for their ageing and ailing parents. In terms of years put in, it could be just as long as it takes to raise a child into adulthood.

Some people might say that caring for ailing, elderly parents isn’t as lengthy as raising a child. However, if you compare the intensity of experience, those few years may seem like a very long and intense sentence.

Some people get the multiplewhammy, super sandwich life of caring for their parents, spouse, children and grandchildren. Imagine the toll this takes on a person if more than one of them has a long-term or terminal illness. It challenges you physically, mentally and spiritually.

When this happens, you’ll find yourself wearing different hats for the different roles that you play, which essentially encompasses the duties of a caregiver in a nutshell. Just taking care of a loved one will give you sufficient heart-in-themouth moments simply because you care, sometimes just a bit too much.

When you are raising your child or children, you can pull that trump card, “...because I’m your mother/father so you just have to accept my decision”. You don’t always have that licence with your parents.

Dealing with children is different from dealing with parents even though they may have reverted to child-like behaviour due to illness or dementia, like Alzheimer’s disease. You can never be high-handed with your parents without having guilt niggling you for the rest of your life. CHALLENGES A-PLENTY

Where am I going with this? I find that sometimes when you’re doing your best under the circumstances to care for your loved one, there’ll always be someone who’ll come by and freely criticise you for what you do. Somehow they’ve learnt the art of belittling people under the guise of “I meant well” or “I was only trying to help”.

Many people have no idea what it takes to be a caregiver until they become one. Where do you begin? How do you know what to do? So many people become caregivers overnight when disaster strikes a loved one.

Doing what it takes to ensure everything runs smoothly is one thing. Reconciling with role reversals is another. For example, if your parents suffered a stroke, heart attack, or any illness that requires hospitalisation, surgery, long-term treatment and postcare, rules set at home.

Rules and punishment have to be very clear and agreed on by both sides.

Children are also allowed to defend themselves before being punished. Sometimes, they’re genuinely unaware that what they did was wrong. As far as they’re concerned, it was all just harmless fun and games. If punishments need to be meted out, ensure that it’s carried out in a rational rather than emotional manner.

What about the victims? As psychologist Dr Vanlal suggests, it’s important for the child to confide in someone. It could be the parents, siblings or a teacher that the child is comfortable with.

Parents also need to be aware of behavioural changes in their child to know if their child is a victim of bullying or otherwise. They need to be able to make the distinction between regular growingup angst and serious bullying. you can learn the process fast enough. Hospital duties, treatments and follow-up check-ups are all easy enough. They may be time-consuming, but you can schedule them into your life.

If all these go on for a few months, even for a year or two, you can still cope because it feels temporary. You can take unpaid leave from work every now and then, and know at the end of it all you can resume your life again.

Whatifthisjuggling of roles continues indefinitely? Slowly, bits of your life changes — you start looking at options like working from home and employing different people to fill in the blanks for you, like a private nurse or professional caregiver. Your appointments get cancelled because you have to stay home as you can’t leave your loved one alone without being a danger to himself.

Along the way, the authority to make decisions which once belonged to your parents now rests with you because they can no longer make the decisions for themselves. Or they might have entrusted you with this responsibility. This can weigh heavily on you if you have siblings and relatives who don’t always agree with you.

The shifting of roles may prepare you for what’s ahead. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make the task any easier emotionally. It’s not easy to become the “responsible adult” for your parents. You just have to know in your heart that you’re now there for them just as they were there for you all these years. It is love, care and respect returned.

Similarly, schools need to take proactive steps to promote an environment that children can feel safe in. Effective measures need to be put in place to ensure teachers are equipped to identify potential cases and be able to take immediate remedial measures — from monitoring and counselling to being able to take corrective measures. There should also be avenues or platforms where children can report on bullying anonymously, concludes Dr Vanlal.

Whatever the reason, the bullied and the bullies both need help.

All parties, mainly the students, teachers, parents and the community, need to work closely together to curb this problem once and for all. If one party does not play its role, success will be hard to come by. Let’s work together to cure this epidemic that’s damaging our children’s future once and for all.