At the receiving end of hurtful words
cooking, cleaning, bathing, toileting, taking him to the doctors for check-ups and treatments, going out for meals or entertainment, or just being a companion during those quiet moments, can become an acceptable routine.
When you’re in a situation such as this, you may be tired to the bone at the end of each day. But somehow there’s that fine line that separates you from that person’s issues. You might even be able to get a good night’s rest and return fresh the next day.
CHALLENGES APLENTY
However, when you have to care for someone with mental issues, the situation is different. Those who’ve cared for such people would tell you that the ones who are closest to them would be the ones to receive the bulk of all accusations and verbal (and sometimes even physical) abuse.
The patient could have trust issues. He may accuse you, the caregiver, of stealing his precious possessions like jewellery, money or anything that’s meaningful to him. The patient may even accuse you of giving him poison when it’s actually his medication. So such patients refuse medication and become sicker.
He may tell visitors or call up friends and relatives to tell them that you’re starving him even though he’s just been served his meal. You can be sure that your character has been shot to bits by your loved one — it could be your parents, spouse, sibling, children or dear friend — who’s suffering from such delusional episodes.
You feel betrayed. It tears you apart when you’re being accused like this time and again every day for months and years. It doesn’t matter that those around you are aware that this is the illness that’s talking, that you’re not anything your loved one accuses you of. But it doesn’t completely take away doubts if the accusations are repeated over and over again, especially if your loved one is someone the family revered before the illness set in. How can you discredit them, especially if it’s your mother or father?
RESTORE HARMONY
We’d like to believe that we have stellar, untarnished reputations. Unfortunately, sometimes we may have done something stupid in our youth that gets dragged into the present day when it should actually lay buried with the past. Instead, it gets dragged up to be used against you.
Mental manipulation and torture are so complicated. When you see your relatives or friends who are caring for someone with dementia, don’t be so quick to believe everything the patient tells you. Listen to what he or she has to say, by all means. They need to have their say and be heard too. If you didn’t hear it the first time from them, don’t worry. They’ll repeat it again and again at some point.
Bear in mind that you don’t have to take sides. If you need to take action, remember to take everything into consideration and be fair in your judgment. Help to restore harmony instead of trying to prosecute. Help the caregiver cope by offering assistance. Try to imagine yourself in that situation.
What would you do? What would you want for yourself?