Not cool to be a martyr
YOU may or may not take much notice of the martyr in the room. This person is usually someone who’s always sporting a cheerful smile and ever ready to lend a helping hand. Your needs are inevitably more important than their own.
But there’s a downside to these individuals. As they are always looking to take care of others first, they eventually end up running themselves dry.
When overload hits, resentment, anger, frustration and depression set in. Over time, all these lead to the deterioration of their health.
Why would someone give so much and forsake themselves? Usually, they do this quite unconsciously.
You may see these characteristics in your best friend, your mother, a dominant family member or even your romantic partner.
Certainly, martyrs do not start off thinking that they would run themselves dry. After all, all they’re doing is giving or demonstrating their love.
However, because of their giving nature, the recipients end up expecting it all the time.
It’s akin to how a mother loves her child. Being the sole person that the baby depends on for its livelihood is a huge pressure for any mother.
Most mothers aspire to be the best mother possible, thus adding on the pressure to their tired shoulders. They develop a psychological readiness to suffer and sacrifice themselves for their child.
Some martyrs develop this trait over time — since childhood even — as they replicate the behaviour that their selfless parents displayed. It’s also in our Asian culture to take care of our child’s needs before our own.
Low self-esteem greatly contributes to the development and deepening beliefs about being selfless.
The worse you feel about yourself, the more you want to compensate by being kind, loving, compassionate and generous to others in order to feel good about yourself.
Being a martyr allows one to run away from one’s own growth and responsibilities. It gives one a valid excuse for failures and disappointments.
If you recognise these traits in yourself, it’s good to make some changes so that you have a more balanced life. Below are some guidelines.
By giving too much, I was robbing them of the opportunity to grow. A martyr will cry “poor me” or make themselves feel like they’re the victim in situations that they feel they didn’t have a choice or say in.
Say “yes” when you’re able and willing to, and say “no” if you feel that you’re overcommitting yourself.
Practise turning down other people’s requests graciously. In time, you will be able to spend more time taking care of the most important person in this world — you!