“I THOUGHT I WAS A GOOD BOSS”

Q:Recently, I got shocking news from my superior who asserted I am a slave driver, a perfectionist, and a micro-manager who nitpicks on almost everything. He further added that my people are put under extreme pressure and have to be on their toes all the time.

I find this very difficult to accept. All along I thought I was a good boss who took care of my people well, even giving them the flexibility to do what they want. I want to be proactive now and work on the areas for improvement before getting more brickbats from others. What is the best way to do it?

A:

Openness is a key success factor when getting feedback from people. There are more people who prefer to give feedback than to receive it. Actually, when we shun feedback from others we discourage them and sooner or later they stop. This is sad because people who want to be high performers cannot do well without feedback. Indeed, you are a high performer, for you are ready for it. There are many ways of receiving feedback well.

The first act is to be accepting as opposed to being defensive. This will open up your mind to what the other party wants to tell you. The feedback giver will be encouraged and motivated to tell you frankly what is in his mind.

The second act is to listen empathetically, even though there may be parts which you may not fully agree with, but instead search inside you to identify areas that can benefit. Stay calm throughout by telling yourself that the feedback is good for your improvement. Finally, thank the feedback giver for doing this for you.

POWERFUL QUESTIONS

• What is it about feedback that you find difficult to accept?

• How can you make people feel comfortable when giving you feedback?

• What is the benefit when you can ask for feedback?

• What will you do the next time people give you feedback?

WHEN NOT TO “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS”

Q:

I feel I can size people up pretty well. When people are speaking, I can somehow read between their words to discern their deeper meanings. Even when they do not speak, I could tell from their body language. However, the frustrating part is that I stop there and do not go further in sharing or giving my views of what I have picked up with the persons concerned. There seems to be a voice telling me to mind my own business. Because of this, I do not go the extra mile to help them. Why am I like this? What shall I do?

A:

People I know who have this emotional paralysis of not saying more than they should are highly self-conscious about themselves. While they have the advantage of sensitivity in picking up cues from others, this same quality becomes their disadvantage as it paralyses them from doing more. It’s like the body wants to but the mind doesn’t.

This emotional paralysis will not be beneficial in the long run. It curbs your spirit and energy in many areas of your life, which then frustrates you like what you are feeling about yourself.

You need to seriously reframe the meaning of feedback giving, from “mind your own business” to something like “I care for their well-being”.

Repeatedly telling yourself this will remove this negative thought permanently. You need not rush into giving feedback but slow down to ask whether they would like to hear your views, or you can also tactfully say something like, “I have just heard you say that …”, “I am confused with this as it appears you are going against your own value system …”, or “Can you help me understand this more?” When you use various strategies in giving feedback, it would not be so hard for you anymore. More importantly, you are now free to make a big difference to people’s lives.

POWERFUL QUESTIONS

• What is preventing you from sharing your view?

• Who is the loser in the end?

• What will make it compelling for you to be more generous in giving feedback?

• How will you want to do it from now onwards?