Marmalade the Cat

MARMALADE is a baked bean cat. I bet you’ve never met a baked bean cat before. If you have, it was probably Marmalade, because as far as I know, he’s the only one in the whole wide World.

As you can probably guess, a baked bean cat is a very fussy cat. All baked bean cats ever eat is ... baked beans. Baked beans for breakfast, baked beans for lunch, baked beans for supper and baked beans for brunch - in fact, I don’t think that Marmalade the baked bean cat has even tasted anything else except for baked beans - ever! Sometimes, when Marmalade is feeling peckish and wants a snack, he will sit by the sunny window, reading his newspaper (The Daily Purr, and yes, cats can read - it’s a common myth that they don’t). And, as well as all this, Marmalade is probably the laziest cat in the World too. He’s so lazy that sometimes, he won’t even get out of bed!

I have a tale to tell you about Marmalade. It’s not a very nice one, so if you are at all squeamish, then you had better not read any further.

Ah! You are reading on! I take it that this means you are a very brave person - don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Marmalade lives in a very grand house. It’s all very proper in there - purrfect for a baked bean cat. There is baked bean wallpaper in every room in the house which goes very nicely with the carpet which has a lovely baked bean pattern on it.

The lamp in his sitting room is the shape of a baked bean, and the table is too. His lovely, comfortable, soft and squidgy favourite chair is also the shape of a baked bean ... the biggest baked bean in the World, in fact. In Marmalade’s bedroom he has baked beans on his quilt and his bed is the shape of a huge, massive, enormous ... baked bean can. No matter where you go in Marmalade’s house - there are baked beans everywhere.

One morning, at the end of autumn, Marmalade groggily got out of bed, yawned the biggest, loudest, widest yawn, put on his warm baked beans slippers and dragged himself towards the window. He drew back his baked bean curtains and smiled contentedly as he saw a light sprinkling of snow had landed in his garden overnight. “Good,” he grumbled to himself “at least I won’t have to cut the grass for a while”. Marmalade mooched downstairs, still yawning and walked through to the kitchen. Guess what Marmalade was going to have for breakfast? Yes, baked beans of course!

Marmalade opened up his cupboard to get himself some baked beans and ... there were NO baked beans left! “Rats!” Marmalade muttered under his breath. “I’ll have to go out in that horrible, freezing, icy weather and get some more baked beans. Double rats!”

Fortunately for Marmalade, in his garden was a tree. This tree was a very special tree because on its long, thick, strong branches grew something very special. Can you guess? Baked beans of course! More beans than you could ever possibly imagine. There were enough baked beans for Marmalade to feed for a month. When the baked beans got picked, the tree would just grow some more.

So, reluctantly, Marmalade put on his boots, scarf, hat and a very warm coat. He went outside and trudged slowly through the snow to his baked bean tree, or to where his baked bean tree normally stood. Marmalade stood and stared, for instead of the lovely big strong baked bean tree, was a hole. No tree and no baked beans. Marmalade rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn’t seeing things, but when he looked again, the tree still wasn’t there.

“Well! Where is my tree? I must have baked beans, and I won’t go to the shops to get them. I want my baked beans and I want them now” he shouted and stomped around the garden like a little human boy.

So, Marmalade decided to go for a walk to see if he could find his tree. He didn’t like walking anywhere very much, but if he didn’t have a tree, then he wouldn’t have baked beans, because he was FAR too lazy to go to the shops for his beans, and besides, they just didn’t taste the same if they were store bought. Marmalade was such a snob!

Marmalade walked down his path, angry that his tree had disappeared like that. He walked to the end of his street where he met Dougbert. Dougbert was a friendly alley cat.

“Hello, Marmalade. What’s the matter? You look angry.” Dougbert asked.

“My baked bean tree is missing. Have you seen it?” Marmalade grunted in reply.

“No, Marmalade, I haven’t. Why has it gone? Have you been watering it properly?” Dougbert replied.

“I never water my tree. That’s far too much work.” Marmalade said, and with that he gave a ‘humph’ and walked off, with his head high in the air, swishing his tail around like he didn’t have a care in the world.

As Marmalade walked around the corner, he came to the grocery shop. Now, they sold baked beans in there, but Marmalade never bought them from here - his own beans from his special tree were far better. Roger, the Tomcat was working in the shop.

“Hello, Marmalade! Why do you look so sad?” Roger asked.

“My baked bean tree has gone missing and I don’t know why. Have you seen it anywhere?” Marmalade demanded.

“Well, no, I haven’t. Have you been looking after it properly, by weeding it regularly?”

“Why should I bother weeding around my tree? I’m too busy. That’s far too much work.” Marmalade said angrily and with that he gave a ‘humph’ and walked off, with his head high in the air, swishing his tail around like he didn’t have a care in the world.