Protect your children from sexual abuse – enlighten them
I HEARD a terrible story about two weeks ago. A few women passing by city parklands in Australia heard a wretched scream, stopped, and found a young boy, maybe 12 or 14, who had been sodomised. They bundled him into their car, washed him, and gave him new clothes. The women surmised that the child had sold himself for sex with no idea of the consequences of his naivety. He was not the only such child in that city, there were others, some curled up in foetal positions, probably desperately struggling to forget the trauma they had been through.
Such stories are difficult to forget. I felt an ache in my heart for those boys and wondered where were their parents? Where were their homes? Why did the boys do it? Were they groomed or coerced or threatened? It would seem that they were promised money, but why did they feel it was worth the money, whatever the sum?
After all, this took place in a developed country with social services, homes, and government agencies that the boys could have gone to for help.
The boys did not realise what they were in for. Was this because sex is so often portrayed in today’s society as casual entertainment? Watch any American sitcom and there’s background laughter cued when a character laments the disaster, or glories in the triumph, of their most recent sexual encounter.
Young people who buy into the idea that sex is a bit of harmless fun, and can therefore be bought or sold, are at increased risk of making poor decisions with regard to their sexuality on two counts: one, their youth and good looks; two, their perpetual need for more money.
In Singapore, an amateur model, a young woman, was offered an extra S$200 at the end of a photo shoot to pose nude, which she did, saying later that it was a lot of money to her as a student who was owed backpay by her part-time job employers. She had no written contract with the photographer and was shocked a few years later when her boyfriend asked her about photographs of her on the Internet.
In reality, sex is never casual, or not meant to be, unless one’s sensitivities are deadened. Who doesn’t remember the first time they had sex, whom they had it with and what it was like – whether that experience was a precious wedding night gift; whether it took place in a secret location, rushed, in case of accidental discovery; whether it was a bought experience – sadly the first sexual encounter of many men are with prostitutes, or worse, whether it was a violation in an act of rape? The act of intercourse leaves an indelible mark on our soul, which is why biology classes will never do justice to the mystery and beauty of sex. There is more to the story than what goes where.
If, as parents, we think that sex is not meant to be casual, and we don’t want that kind of sexuality for our children, then we must consciously communicate something better.
In the past, shame was a big deterrent. For a girl to lose her reputation and good name was a terrible fate, for who would want to marry her then? There was a double standard for boys, many warned against getting girls pregnant, rather than warned against sleeping around, because it was the fathering of an unwanted child that would ruin, or at least complicate, their future.
As more liberal societies move towards de facto relationships, single-parent households, and blended families, shame does not deter as well as it used to. No big loss. Shame was an awful way to induce people to wait until marriage. It just drove love and lust to car backseats in deserted car parks or dodgy hotel rooms and finally, in some cases, abortion clinics. There has to be a better reason and a better way.
The truth is that sex is sacred, too sacred to be for sale. As an expression of love, in the context of marriage, it ennobles, nurtures and deepens the commitment of husband and wife to one another. The idea that sex, and any person’s body, is too precious to be made into a commodity, should be shared when our children are very young, before the teenage angst block their ears from the counsel of parents.
One passage from Corrie Ten Boom’s book, ‘In My Father’s House’ comes to mind. Young Corrie asks the cook “Where do babies come from?” The cook answers: “Well, Corrie, when a baby is too small and weak to live in the cold world, there is a place underneath a mother’s heart where it is kept warm and can grow, until it is strong enough to stand the cold in the big world.”
When I read that answer, so simple, and true, I think that it must have come from a wise soul. From the earliest ages, children sense the values and world views of the adults close to them and especially what kind of relationship their parents share. Children who watch their parents treat one another with respect and love are far less likely to allow themselves to be treated as objects to be used or abused in any way, for the pleasure or profit of others.
As children grow into teenagers, when relationships between parents and children can become fraught, being part of a community that upholds lifelong loving marriages as the best and only safe place for sexual expression, can be the beacon that guides them to make wise choices.
This community may be extended family, religious groups, or school or sports clubs. In a sense everyone in society, wittingly or unwittingly, contributes to one of two narratives, either sex is casual or commercial and we are the consumer and the consumed; or sex is too sacred to be for sale.
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