The harshest jokes from comedian Michelle Wolf’s correspondents’ dinner speech
WASHINGTON: “Should have done more research before you got me to do this,” comedian Michelle Wolf told the audience, right after telling a joke about whether the famous “p---- hat” from the Women’s March was anatomically accurate.
Wolf’s speech at the White House correspondents’ dinner didn’t seem to win over the room of some of Washington’s bestknown journalists, politicians and a slightly less celebrity-filled roster of guests. Online, the reaction was - surprise - divided. Some said that losing the love of a room of D.C. elites was proof that Wolf was hitting on something true.
Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’s attorney, said he thought Wolf was “really funny.” And Rob Reiner, a guest of McClatchy, said he sensed in the room that it wasn’t going over well but that he believed “she spoke the truth.”
Meanwhile, conservatives reacted with outrage to Wolf’s humour before her routine had wrapped up, particularly her jokes about Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Kellyanne Conway.
One critique about those jokes came from a journalist who won an award earlier in the dinner, and Wolf responded:
“That @PressSecsat and absorbed intense criticism of her physical appearance, her job performance, and so forth, instead of walking out, on national television, was impressive,” tweeted Maggie Haberman of the New York Times.
Wolf tweeted back: “Hey mags! All these jokes were about her despicable behaviour. Sounds like you have some thoughts about her looks though?”
On Sunday, President Donald Trump chimed in, calling Wolf a “so-called comedian” who “bombed.”
Below are some of Wolf’s harshest jokes from the evening:
- On Sarah Huckabee Sanders:
“I have to say I’m a little starstruck. I love you as Aunt Lydia in ‘The Handmaid’s Tale.’ Mike Pence, if you haven’t seen it, you would love it.
“Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited, because I’m not really sure what we’re going to get. You know, a press briefing, a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams. ‘It’s shirts and skins, and this time don’t be such a little b----, Jim Acosta!’”
“I actually really like Sarah. I think she’s very resourceful. She burns facts and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smoky eye. Like maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s lies. It’s probably lies.”
“And I’m never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders, you know? Is it Sarah Sanders, is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is it Cousin Huckabee, is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? What’s Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know. Aunt Coulter.” - On Kellyanne Conway: “She has the perfect last name for what she does, Conway ... You guys have got to stop putting Kellyanne on your shows. All she does is lie. If you don’t give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie. It’s like that old saying, if a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree? I’m not suggesting she gets hurt. Just stuck. Stuck under a tree.” - On Ivanka Trump: “There’s also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she’s about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She’s done nothing to satisfy women. So, I guess like father, like daughter.”
- On the White House correspondents’ dinner:
“This is long. This has been long.” - On being 32 years old: “10 years too young to host this event and 20 years too old for Roy Moore.” - On being a woman: “It’s 2018 and I’m a woman so you cannot shut me up. Unless you have Michael Cohen wire me US$130,000.” - On the media: “I know there’s a lot of people that want me to talk about Russia and Putin and collusion, but I’m not gonna do that, because there’s also a lot of liberal media here and I’ve never really wanted to know what any of you look like when you orgasm.”
- On Trump missing the dinner:
“Of course, Trump isn’t here, if you haven’t noticed. He’s not here. And I know, I know, I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one p---- you’re not allowed to grab.” - On Trump’s wealth: “People call Trump names all the time. And look, I could call Trump a racist or a misogynist or xenophobic or unstable or incompetent or impotent. But he’s heard all of those and he doesn’t care. So tonight, I’m going to try to make fun of the president in a new way, in a way that I think will really get him. Mr. President: I don’t think you’re very rich. Like I think you might be rich in Idaho, but in New York you’re doing fine.” - On euphemisms: “(Trump) loves white nationalists, which is a weird term for a Nazi. Calling a Nazi a white nationalist is like calling a paedophile a ‘kid friend.’ Or Harvey Weinstein a ‘ladies man.’ Which isn’t really fair. He also likes plants.” - On the vice president: “Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay.”
- On Democrats:
“Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don’t do anything. People think you might flip the House and Senate this November, but you guys always find a way to mess it up. You’re somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile Nazi Doctor.”
- On the Trump administration:
“I did have a lot of jokes about cabinet members. But I had to scrap all of those because everyone has been fired. You guys are going through Cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people.” - On Mitch McConnell: “Mitch McConnell isn’t here tonight. He had a prior engagement. He’s finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel.” - On CNN: “The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.” - On Fox News: “Fox News is here. So you know what that means, ladies. Cover your drinks. Seriously. People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight, but I cannot do that. This dinner is for journalists.” - On MSNBC: “I watch ‘Morning Joe’ every morning. We now know Mika and Joe are engaged. Congratulations, you guys. It’s like when a #MeToo works out.” - On newspapers: “I’m not going to go after print media tonight because it’s illegal to attack an endangered species.” — Washington
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