Good parent-child relationships the foundation to success
CHIENG Mee Kien’s children, aged 18, 16, 13 and 8, remember how she once threw one of them into the dustbin in anger. As a graduate with a Master’s in Business Administration, Chieng was frustrated; she had certain expectations for their school results and these were not being met. She noticed one of her children becoming moody and quiet, a blank look masking the child’s face whenever anyone raised his or her voice. These worrying signs prompted Chieng to ask, “Do you like yourself?” The child answered, “I hate myself and I hate this world.”
Realising the extent of her daughter’s distress, Chieng enrolled in the Satir Family Therapy diploma programme to learn how to be a better parent. During one of the role-playing sessions, someone postured as a domineering parent, standing on a chair, raising her hands as if giving orders. Chieng played the part of the daughter. When she bent her knees before the parent and raised her hands, as if to receive orders, she experienced a deep pain in her stomach.
“What is this?” she asked the facilitator. “It is the anger in you.” Right then, Chieng had a flashback. She was in Primary 2 or 3. Her mother, pregnant with her younger brother, had caught her stealing. Her mother tied her up and was about to throw her into the river. Fortunately, weakened by the pregnancy, her mother did not have the strength to do so. A neighbour rescued the young Chieng, who was subsequently tied to a pole, and made to stand for some time under the blazing sun.
Chieng realised that she was parenting as she had been parented. When her school results were inadequate, she was made to kneel on rocks. Many sarcastic and negative remarks were made with the intention of goading her into working hard. Even after graduation, she was always trying to prove herself. Despite her successes at work, she felt emotionally stunted and starved of parental love and affirmation.
She learnt that it was time to let go of the past, to forgive and move forward. From then on, she would ask herself, “Is this the right thing to do?” “Is this the right way to behave?” That session was the start of an emotional healing, which continued through her church, as she began to understand the unconditional love of God for her. When she was at peace with herself, her children noticed the transformation in her behaviour towards them.
When she received her daughter’s lacklustre Ujian Pencapaian Sekolah Rendah results, Chieng said to herself, “This is enough.” She bought a new dress for her daughter and laid it out beside the exam results. She told her daughter, “I have bought this dress for you. It has nothing to do with the results. I love you because you are my daughter.”
She and her husband continued to seek suitable schooling options for the child, and did everything they could to support her. With the child assured of her parents’ unconditional love, she began to change, becoming increasingly willing to embrace the challenge of schoolwork. Instead of lamenting the child’s weaknesses, Chieng began to notice that the girl had a lovely, humble spirit and she was hardworking, teachable and godly. A few years later, the girl sat for her Penilaian Menengah Rendah and achieved a considerable improvement in her exam results.
Today, Chieng runs a kindergarten in Bintulu. Her vision for her kindergarten is to improve relationships between parents and children. She has, for example, begun a programme called Fish – Family Involvement Starts Here – encouraging parents to read with their children.
Children are so much more than report cards and education is more than preparing for future careers. Parents, who are involved with their children’s learning are rewarded with the joy of seeing their children grow and it strengthens parentchildren relationships as long as it is conducted in the right manner with encouragement.
A parent brought her child in for enrichment sessions at the kindergarten, saying, “My child still doesn’t know his ABCs even though he has been going for tuition since he was three years old.”
Chieng asked her to focus on building up the child’s confidence, to replace her negative words with positive ones, such as, “You have improved” or “Good effort”.
Children can only learn when they are emotionally stable. If they are being bullied, if they have low self- esteem, or are facing other problems, their ability to learn is compromised.
To calm the storm within is just as important for adults, who may otherwise lash out in anger and frustration at their children or their students.
“Get help and solve your own problems in order to become a better parent,” advised Chieng. “We can only be sensitive to kids when we solve our own problems.”
Chieng advised parents not to overwhelm children with adult problems. If there are disagreements between husband and wife, do not argue or fight in front of children. She has encountered a child as young as three, depressed, disinterested in activities and without friends, because the child was unable to cope with violent family quarrels she had witnessed at home.
When Chieng wants to change her children’s behaviour, she doesn’t scold them for being stupid, naughty, or useless. Instead, she uses the following formula: “I feel (emotion) when you (specific undesirable behaviour). Next time, please (specific desired behaviour)”. For example, “I feel annoyed when you interrupt my conversation with others. Next time, please say ‘Excuse me’ and then wait for me to turn to you.” By naming her own feelings, she expresses her desire for change, without giving the impression that she doesn’t love the child.
In her Satir Family Therapy course, Chieng learnt that in order to change a child, you must change the parents. If only the child is counselled, but the parents persist in unhelpful parenting words and practices, there will be no long-term positive change.
As founder Virginia Satir used to say, “Peace Within, Peace Between, and Peace Among.” This is MK Lim’s last parenting column in The Borneo Post. You can still follow her writing at thecuriousscribbler.wordpress. com.