Should she quit her job for the baby?

QUESTION: If you had the choice to stay home with your baby or work part time (two to three days a week), what would you do? Let’s say you love your job and are mainly concerned about your skills (medical) deteriorating beyond recognition during the years you stay home. On the other hand, you can’t imagine putting your baby in day care because you feel strongly about caring for her yourself. The money you’d make at the part-time job would be a wash, going straight to pay for day care because the job pays very little. I’m leaning toward just staying home because my daughter is my top priority. But I occasionally worry about not being able to find a job in the future. Any thoughts?

Answer: I have lots of thoughts, and none of them really matter. Why? You ( pretty much) know what you want: You want to stay at home with your baby.

So why are you writing to me? To ask permission? To get some data promising that nothing bad will happen to your career? That your child will be better off because you stayed home? I get it.

If you are one of the lucky American parents who can afford to have this choice, you are also unlucky enough to not have clear answers in front of you. And I am not going to simplify matters. If you want to find evidence that children are better off with parents who work, you will find it. If you want to find evidence that children are better off at home with a parent, you will find that, too. There is data to support almost any choice you make, and this is pretty maddening.

From a developmental point of view, the younger that children are, the closer they should stay to a parent or caregiver (if the parent or caregiver is an emotionally and physically safe person to be with). Very young children tend to bond best with fewer adults ( and even fewer children), but a wonderful daycare provider can also provide this connection. You see? It is simply not clear. Although babies bond with only a few adults, they have always been part of expansive “attachment villages” - the aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, brothers and sisters surrounding them. Someone was always there to pick up a baby (or two). Hence, babies are wired to truly bond with only a few adults but to also mature and grow within a loving community.

I still haven’t helped you, have I? Here’s the deal: I’ve seen many moms, dads, clients, friends and family who have worked, then not worked, then gone back to work, then stayed at home again and so on. I’ve seen them dip in and dip out depending on what a child needs, what the family budget needs and what the parent needs. They have all made it work for them at that time. When it stops working, it’s time to rethink.

So, let’s get down to brass tacks.

1. Many parents cannot fathom leaving their babies with anyone, especially by using day care, and they make very serious decisions based on very emotional feelings. Carefully walk out your finances for the next two years, four years, six years, etc. It is one thing to see your money going to day care in the short term, but it is another thing when you fully understand the potential income lost down the road. If you can, meet with a financial analyst who will show you the many options in front of you.

2. I know that going back to work after a baby can feel traumatic. Your body and hormones are working together to keep you as close to that baby as possible, not to mention that the baby is designed to stick to you like glue. But soon (sooner than you think), you will have some intellectual and physical breathing room and may miss your career, which you admit to loving. You may miss the challenges, the community and the satisfaction of having something to call your own. You may, as you mentioned, lose valuable skills. Or maybe not. I am inviting you to consider the love you have for your career and how badly it will atrophy if you leave it behind. You may find the sacrifice of staying home is too much. Or not. ( See? I’m really not going to tell you what to do here.)

3. I am also going to suggest you consider options other than day care. There is no doubt that US child care is lacking when it comes to affordability and ease, but when you are thinking about two or three days, you would be surprised at the nanny and nanny- share options out there. Research your options, tour day cares and talk to some more people. Although I have not yet met parents who didn’t have serious pangs when leaving their baby on the first day, you may find an option that feels really good and not nearly as scary.

4. You don’t mention a partner, but if you have one, please bring this partner into the decisionmaking process: emotionally, logistically and financially. No matter what you decide, you need support. While staying at home with a baby is an amazing and fulfilling choice, it can also bring alienation, boredom, depression and anxiety. You will need to surround yourself with some like-minded people and find a rhythm and routine that works for your family.

5. Finally, even though the articles are screaming “lean in,” “opt out” or “just sleep,” know that nothing lasts forever. The baby grows, the routines change, children go to school, you change, your passions shift, the marriage bends, and the job culture changes. Always know that there is a choice. You can stay at home and go back to work later. It will not feel the same as it did before, but nothing will. You can stay at work and decide to leave later. Every day is another day to make a choice and to accept the losses and dividends of that choice. Your passions and priorities will continue to shift and take new forms (and often in surprising ways). Whatever you do, I urge you to lay out the puzzle pieces of your life in front of you and keep turning them until they come together in a way that makes you feel safe and comfortable. — WP-Bloomberg

If you want to find evidence that children are better off with parents who work, you will find it. If you want to find evidence that children are better off at home with a parent, you will find that, too.