A father shares his experience in raising an autistic child
AUTISM – a topic many of us will choose to avoid as we rather not imagine there is a possibility the young ones in our life may turn out to be different.
Many consider it an inauspicious topic but in truth, it is a topic that should be talked about as autism and its associated behaviours are becoming more prevalent in our modern world, so much so that it is estimated to occur in as many as one in 68 newborn children.
This complex developmental disability transcends racial, ethic or social boundaries and can happen to any child and anywhere. Taking care of an autistic child can put great pressure and stress on a family’s income and lifestyle.
To help raise awareness of this important topic in our society, The Borneo Post will be sharing the stories of brave families in Sarawak in the next few issues who are doing their best in raising their ‘special needs’ children.
Father’s support holds family together
Five years ago, a teaching couple, Kok Tze Yu and his wife, became proud parents to a beautiful baby girl. They were overjoyed by her birth and dotted on her like any parents would.
In the beginning, there wasn’t a shred of doubt in their minds that their daughter was anything less than the perfect little girl they had envisioned but after two years, they started noticing she wasn’t developing much language skill.
She had not begun to call her parents ‘mum’ and ‘dad’ and would have little response when her name was called.
“We were very concerned by her lack of development, so we took her for multiple medical check-ups, but at the time, we were still living in Perak and there were very limited facilities available for us to get her the help she needed.
“Eventually, we were sent to a faraway hospital in Kampar to see a psychologist who was finally able to give us a diagnosis – that our little girl was autistic.
“While the diagnosis finally answered some the agonising questions, it was far from being a relief because we then had to face reality that our daughter would be different from other children,” Kok rued.
“Perhaps because I always have a softer personality and I have friends around me who had gone through the same situation, my acceptance of her diagnosis was much quicker.”
However, he recalled his wife, on the other hand, was “very reluctant” to accept that their daughter had a disability and she continued to school her like a normal child.
The little improvement she got with her methods left her so emotionally distraught and depressed that it was feared she might become suicidal.
“I was very sad when I saw my wife like this and I knew I had to be the pillar of support to hold my family together for all our sakes. I became more supportive of both my wife and child by being mindful of their needs,” Kok said.
Because of the lack of facilities and support for autistic children in the town Kok and his family were living in at the time, the family relied heavily for information on developmental disability from online sources, friends as well as families in a similar situation.
“Most people have no idea that the process of teaching an autistic child is very hard, not just for the family but also the child. These ‘special needs’ children lack a lot of social skills, so we need to help them develop the skills to communicate while teaching them about societal rules.
“These are things normal children may eventually learn by themselves through observing those around them but for autistic children, they need to be directly taught the basics like how to request for things, how to interact in a social setting with others and how to convey their thoughts and emotions.
“It’s not that they don’t have anything to convey to us but rather they don’t know how, so growing up it’s very hard for these children as they will get frustrated we are unable to understand them,” Kok explained.
For the next year after the heartbreaking diagnosis, the couple did all they could to give their daughter the specialised care and attention she needed but with another child on the way, Kok and his wife finally made a decision to move to Sarawak where they believed they would be able to get more help for their daughter.
“I was reluctant at first to make the move as my own family was in Perak but now that we are here, I truly regret not coming over sooner.
“We moved to Kuching in 2016 and since then, our situation has improved tremendously. In comparison to Perak, we have a lot more facilities and support from both the public and private sectors here.
“And my wife, being from Sarawak herself, also has become much happier as she is now in familiar environment that is much more supportive of our family,” he said.
He added that from being completely unable to accept that their daughter had a development disability at first, she had now regained her composure and is much more accepting of and patient with their daughter’s condition.
“It has become much better for our family here and I am so grateful for the caring environment,” he shared.
After staying in Sarawak for the past two years, Kok revealed his daughter had improved by leaps and bounds as the family had finally found the resources they needed to properly educate their daughter.
Joining local support group for families with ‘special needs’ children called ‘Angel Home’ at Chin Daw Methodist Church, the couple have been learning about more effective methods to apply to their child’s daily lessons.
“It was really overwhelming at first with all the information being shared with us but it has helped us gain a deeper insight into our daughter’s d e ve l opment disability and build up a correct attitude when it comes to raising her.”
Besides just better methods of raising their special needs daughter, Kok shared that the support group had also helped them see the importance of both parental roles in their daughter’s life.
“While many will agree that mothers are often the ones who have the biggest influence in a child’s life as they often have stronger love and care for the child, I believe in tougher family situations where a child has a disability, men and fathers should step up to become the pillars of the family.
“Raising an autistic child can be overwhelming and we cannot just rely on the mother to give the support that the child so desperately needs.
“I believe husbands must join in not only to share the burden with their wives. It’s also because as men, they are often less emotional and stricter in their actions – which is a huge benefit to these kids as their teaching process often requires strong endurance
We were very concerned by her lack of development, so we took her for multiple medical check-ups, but at the time, we were still living in Perak and there were very limited facilities available for us to get her the help she needed. Kok Tze Yu
and discipline to be effective.
“Having high engagement from both parents will also help the child learn better, and there is also the physical factor as well as men are more likely to engage their children in physical sporting activities.”
Having gone through the fearful and turbulent process of finding out that their daughter has autism, Kok and his family have become much more empathetic of others who might find themselves in a similar situation and are striving to help as many families as they can.
“If you notice it early on, don’t be too disappointed and don’t panic. Ages two to six are the most important time for the development of a child with autism, so you are at a critical stage where you must act quickly to give the child the support he or she needs.
“Your priority now is to find resources from support groups and or medical professionals who will teach you the methods of coping with a child with autism. You need to learn how to deal with the child, how to help the child survive in life, integrate in society and develop essential everyday skills that he or she needs in life.
“Special needs children are still children – the only difference in raising them is that we need to be more passionate and more patient with them,” he advised.