Tween wants to quit activities as soon as they are challenging
My first thought when I read your note was, “Wait, who doesn’t want to quit when going gets tough? Am I the only one?” It is an u erly human reaction to not enjoy the feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty. Even a whiff of challenge can make some people feel truly embarrassed. Add social, cultural and parental pressures, and you will find many children who don’t appear to stomach challenge very well.
I don’t know how long he has been wanting to quit new hobbies or sports, but it is common for tweens to feel hypersensitive to not doing well, or even perceiving that they’re not doing well. A tween’s brain is growing rapidly (about as rapidly as when he was a toddler), and this intensity can lead to a type of unwarranted narcissism. A tween will feel that the whole world is watching them flail and fail when, in reality, no one has noticed. Even “pu ing a li le more effort in” can feel humiliating for the average tween, and it is maddening as you try to rationalize, cajole and convince your tween that they just need to give it a bit more time.
The good news is that this stage doesn’t last! The bad news is that navigating it can feel fraught and confusing. If you cannot use logic, what can you do? First, you have to believe that when he reports that he feels down on himself, this isn’t for a ention or theater. Believe he is telling the truth and treat him accordingly. “Tony, it stinks to feel like you cannot do (fill in the blank). Everyone feels like this sometimes.” Affirming his emotions and listening is one of the most effective ways to reach a tween and, contrary to most thinking, it won’t grow his feels of inadequacy.
Next, pay a ention to your son’s strengths. He actually tries different things (awesome) and finishes them, whether the season or the package of lessons (double-awesome). Rather than focusing on what he quits, turn your a ention to how many different activities he has tried! The saying is actually, “A Jack of all trades is a master of none but o entimes be er than a master of one.” I’m not blowing smoke here: Willingness to try many activities and sticking with them until the end is a wonderful quality. Furthermore, why does an 11-year-old have to stick to anything? Isn’t childhood all about trying things? All the things? It’s a wonderful privilege for a child to try a variety of activities; try looking at your son through these lenses.
As for wanting him to give a bit more effort, there is a delicate balance between le ing time do its work with his maturity, respecting his temperament and working with him to strengthen his resilience. He’s not a li le boy, so I would sit with him and make some lists: “definitely want to quit,” “may want to try more” and “not sure.” As your son takes on new hobbies, put them into categories that can move around. Listen to him as he describes what he thinks are “qui ing” qualities and how that differs from “trying more.” Problem-solve with him around what may help him stick with something longer. You might try talking to the coach, working with another expert, downloading an app, watching some YouTube, practicing more with friends or family members, more conditioning, different equipment – the list can go on and on. The point is that the solutions and the thoughtfulness come from both of you, not just you pushing.
Be prepared for this to be a bumpy road, but you are going for the long game here. Promote thoughtful consideration, help him trust his own voice, find strengths and learn to put in some work. These are characteristics that are about the new lacrosse team, sure, but also about growing into a young man who knows his own mind. Good luck.