Getting children to behave
TO qualify for a job, a person usually needs to undertake a course of study, complete assignments and pass exams. But we need not train to be parents.
Parenting is not taught in schools, there is no test to pass and no one checks your credentials. We are thrust into parenthood with no prior experience, and left with no choice but to learn parenting on the job and through experience. It is undeniable that being a parent can be a very rewarding experience.
On the other hand, there are definitely trying times. One of the biggest challenges in being a parent is managing children’s behaviour.
As parents, we want the best for our children. We set out to create a pleasant environment to raise them. We give them all the comforts we can (and at times, cannot) afford. However, what is important is to provide a secure and loving environment. We need to show our children love and affection, while setting them a good example to follow.
Children’s behaviour is a form of communication. All children test the limits of the boundaries set at some time. This is part of growing up. Children are learning to be independent, and the only way they can learn the limits of their behaviour is to test them.
It is also important to set clear boundaries and make children understand what is acceptable behaviour. What is “acceptable behaviour”, however, changes according to different situations and stages in a child’s life. Hence, it is important to define acceptable behaviour, and what is appropriate to the situation and a child’s age.
As a start, there are some things parents (and teachers) can do to prevent misbehaviour.
Children like routines. Introducing routines into daily life set expectations and children understand what needs to be done and when. For example, with set routines of bath, getting ready, sleeping, homework and times spent on gadgets, children learn about priorities. There is less likelihood of tantrums if children understand and agree to the set routines.
Remember to not go overboard and be too militant about enforcing these routines, with no room for flexibility. Allow for the occasional bending of routines during holidays or other special occasions. But make sure children understand this too.
When managing behaviour in children, it is important to have clear rules with well-defined consequences for misbehaviour. Many parents have unclear or inconsistent rules, which makes it hard for kids to know what is acceptable behaviour. There is no need to have rules for everything, but you could set priorities on what matters most, such as following set routines, being respectful and responsible, being truthful or not being violent.
Rules may vary from one family to another. It is important that the rules are explained to children in their language. Use short, simple sentences and explain the consequences. Make sure the consequences are logical. The consequences must be fair, yet show cause and effect.
For example, “If you shout, I will not respond” is simple and clear. However, when we raise our voice to be heard over theirs while yelling, “Keep quiet”, we are the ones shouting.
When we smack a child who hits his sibling, or shame the child when he does something wrong, we are sending out a negative message. The child sees the adult using violence or insults to solve problems. The child’s violent behaviour is compounded by another violent behaviour from the adult.
Be consistent and calm when implementing rules.
Act on the violation as agreed and don’t get into a long discussion or lengthy lecture with the child. When the consequence is applied, end the conflict and move on. Don’t continue to nag or criticise.
And most importantly remember, when children follow the rules, acknowledge it and praise them for it! By acknowledging positive behaviour, we reinforce that behaviour. Children are eager to please, so it is more likely that they will behave in the manner that elicits praises from you.
What if your child has special needs? Remember, that your child with special needs is still a child first, but one with special needs. Thus, like all children, they too have difficult behaviour at times. Many of the common strategies for managing the behaviour of typically developing children also work on