My life has no meaning

I don’t get the meaning of life these days. Why is it so hard to get a break? I turned 30 recently. Looking back, I don’t have much to show for it. At an age when I’m supposed to be settling down, I’m still stagnant. I feel so unlucky, although I’m supposed to be in my prime.

Currently, I’m being treated for depression with medication and I visit the doctor every few months. There is so much on my mind – work, family, love, the future, etc. I tried to get a degree, but the thoughts in my head made it hard for me to concentrate. I feel like a wasted talent. Apart from my own siblings and parents, the rest have glamorous degrees and respectable jobs earning good incomes.

They don’t associate with us as we lack the education and financial prowess. I don’t think I’m inferior to these people. I know a few “academic” individuals, and they still come across as dummies. Some people say I’m intelligent, but I feel they are being patronising as they want favours from me. My relatives are mostly married, mostly through arranged marriages. They have left me out of the candidate pool because I don’t meet their “requirements”.

I have never experienced love. The one relationship I had was a nightmare. I’ve had a few dates, but never ventured beyond. People tell me, “You’re a nerd,”, “You’re too nice, you’re not a man,” etc. I confess I have no experience talking to women. I get nervous and fidgety, my speech gets slurred and I’m not confident.

I can be quite a chatterbox, although most the stuff I say is probably uncool. I’m not particularly good-looking. Still, I can muster enough courage to approach girls. Initially, the response is OK, and then, they lose interest when I can’t continue the conversation. I really don’t know what else to say.

It hurts so much to see other couples having a good time and enjoying each other’s company. Even when I do get the occasional interested party, my inexperience and desperation kick in. All those years spent as a teenager being antisocial and depressed is costing me now, as I’m quite socially awkward.

In a few months’ time, we will be evicted from our homes for the sake of development. The land has a “temporary occupation” status, so we will be not compensated. I have been looking around for a new home, but the prices are ridiculous and beyond what I can afford.

It’s getting tough to find the motivation to carry on battling alone. I get all kinds of clowns at my workplace and when I get home, I’m faced with a schizophrenic father who wallows in self-pity, a wishful-thinking mother who never wanted children, a sister who erupts like a volcano and a self-centred brother. Sometimes, I wish I was never born. I’m taken for granted by everyone. I wish for a world without money, then at least I will be able to sleep more comfortably.

I drag myself to work, do my job the best I can, and mask whatever issues I have with a smile even though I have a broken and messed up home. A very small part of me is aware of my predicament, but fire no longer burns in my heart. A few weeks ago, I had a breakdown. The feelings were so overwhelming, I was holding back the tears even at my desk. I’m angry, frustrated, disillusioned, tired and fed up. Never in my wildest dreams have I ever imagined that I would end up being another mental health statistic. Whenever I look at the stars at night, I wonder about my reason for living. According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), depression is the world’s biggest noncommunicable disease. Depression is not a sign of weakness, nor to be ashamed of.

Many people ponder and beat themselves up over the question: Why me? There are many reasons for depression, and the best thing to do is to seek treatment. You need a combination of psychiatric medication and psychotherapy. Speak to a trained clinical psychologist or counsellor as well. Medication must be adhered to and don’t skip doses. Follow up sessions must be attended regularly, and not just when you’re feeling down.

It’s important to address the underlying issues that are causing the depression. Learn techniques to manage the symptoms so as to avoid relapses. You do have some pressing issues in your life, and psychotherapy will not help you solve them. But it provides ways to deal with factors that perhaps contribute to your low feelings.

Not being formally educated is not the only mark of education. One can be learned in information and culture through experience. Opportunities for education are everywhere, found in books in bookstores and libraries. The Internet is a treasure chest of information. After all, education is really about expanding your horizons.

You say you wish for a normal life. But, what is “normal” anyway? Who says you have to be “settled down” by 30? Marriage is not the path to happiness. It will be a fallacy for you to chase after a relationship if you think that will make you happy. You have to find your own happiness and then, the pursuit of a healthy relationship will be easier.

Stop putting yourself in situations where your efforts around women will be sabotaged. If you want to learn how to talk to them, you have to practice. Speak to your female colleagues. Seek friendships first. Not every encounter has to be a romantic one. Observe how other men do it. Make friends and go out in groups. That helps to take the tension away, and allows you the safety and comfort of being in the company of others. Expand your interests. Develop a hobby. Learn new things and gain new experiences. These don’t have to be expensive. There are hobby or interest groups available online and in the newspapers. As much as you have to be able to carry a conversation, there are other factors that matter as well. Looks and money don’t matter. They don’t guarantee happiness. Pay attention to the small things – body language, facial expression – a positive attitude helps.

Depression affects the way you look at the world. But, you can do something about it. Start looking at your life to appreciate the good things. No one’s life is a complete disaster. Besides mental health support from trained professionals, there are also many “self-help” books that can help provide you with skills that are necessary for learning how to be sociable, gain positive world views and have positive views of yourself.

You can lead a full and positive life. The key is to be proactive. Seek out support groups and talk to people. The first step is to overcome the sense of shame and defeat. Believe that change is possible. And, things can improve.