A world gone cute

Ever wanted to cuddle something until it’s ‘ close to death’? Our columnist uncovers the science behind this strange phenomenon.

MY girlfriend constantly has the urge to crush things. No, she doesn’t suffer from anger management issues, she just wants to hug cute things – hug them to death.

That doesn’t bode well for our dog who basically looks like a live- action stuffed teddy bear. She pets him, squeezes him and pinches his cheeks, all while saying things like ‘ I want to hug you till you pop’, and ‘ you’re so cute I’ll squeeze you until you die’. And all the while the dog just sits there happily with his tongue out, not understanding these threats on his life.

The whole time I’m watching thinking: ‘ better you than me, dog’.

My girlfriend’s urges to crush our dog because he’s cute is not abnormal at all. In fact, I get similar urges though I don’t express them as verbally as she does and, indeed, we all have had this urge to squeeze something to the extreme because of it’s cuteness.

This phenomenon is called Cute Aggression.

Yeah, I’m not making that up, though I wish I had. Cute aggression is the sensation of seeing something that is so cute, you feel like squeezing it like the Hulk crush- ing cinder blocks in his big green hands. But this aggression doesn’t come from a bad place. We don’t actually want to harm cute things, which is good news for my dog.

Cute aggression comes from the frustration of not being able to care for whatever it is that is so darn cute. Seeing a kitten with big eyes and oversized fluffy paws triggers a need to care for it. Being cute sort of implies or gives rise to the need of ‘ being taken care of’.

It’s the same with human babies. The cuter the baby, the better the care given to it. Sad but true. We’re hardwired to want to care for cute. And that’s what cute aggression is, a kind of ‘ caregiving gone feral’. A violent response manifested because we have no other way to satisfy it. Cute aggression is the equivalent of watching your favourite sports team losing and smashing your fist into a table in frustration ... except with cute aggression you want to take it out on your puppy.

We’re hard wired to take care of cute. Our interaction with ‘ cute anything’ releases dopamine into the brain, which makes it a highly rewarding activity. Other activities that release dopamine? Video game playing and drug use. The implication is that we can actually be addicted to cute. And maybe we already are. Dogs have been bred to be uber cute. My own dog is a perfect example. A mini- poodle, he is fully grown but trots around perpetually in puppy size. He looks nothing like the wolves he would have come from. He also acts nothing like them, preferring to lounge next to us on the couch rather than hunt for prey or howl at the moon.

But not only that. Humans breed dogs for pedomorphic characteristics. That is we breed our dogs to look young. Which also explains why my dog looks like a puppy, and not only in size. A wolf of the same age as basically any human- bred dog would look much older. All of this means one thing: we’re breeding for cute. And this is only one example. Our cute addiction has led to Japanese anime, kitten videos, even home appliances being designed rounder and cuter. Our drive for cute must be satiated!

But the world wasn’t meant to be this cute. We’ve taken the traits that drive us to take care of our newborns and accentuated them in all aspects of life. And thus we suffer more and more cute aggression. What if it gets out of hand?

Will we surround ourselves with giant- eyed puppies and kittens, and lemurs eating sandwiches, and stubby- rounded toasters that make us want to hug them while they toast our bread? Of course we will! We’re cute addicted.

Surrounded entirely by cute, will we no longer be able to hold our cute aggression in check? Will people start hugging everything tiny with big eyes until they pop? Will they begin hugging home appliances, hatchbacks and spinning helicopter rotors despite the obvious dangers? If designed cute enough, who knows?

I know one thing: if our cute aggression isn’t held in check we could be facing a cute- apocalypse. The Cutepocalypse – deadlier than the zombie- apocalypse but much more aesthetically pleasing.

Ok, seriously, are we going to hug the world to death? Probably not. But next time you feel like hugging a kitten until it’s paws fall off, understand you’re suffering an acute case of cute aggression and pet the kitten immediately. It’s the only cure.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I left my girlfriend alone on the couch with the dog, I better make sure he’s still breathing.