Learning to cope with loss

I lost my life partner to lung cancer on May 23 this year. I couldn’t accept this and was in denial until the birth of my grandson. Looking back when my other half passed away, it felt like the start of a nightmare. We had been together for 42 years. I had lost my life companion as all my children were all settled down and living on their own.

Not only did I lose my pillar of support, I also lost my tower of strength. My husband was everything to me. We shared memories since 1973.

I shared all my woes and happiness with him. He seemed to know when I was down and would always comfort me when I felt miserable. We were opposites, I used to tell him.

We bickered quite often, but then again, which couple doesn’t? We also made up quickly and I loved hubby all the more as he always gave in to me, despite how he usually had to win at everything. He knew how I always wanted to have the last word and often allowed me my say.

He knew my character well, and gave in to my whims and fancies. Come to think of it, I’m not an easy person to live with. Only he could have tolerated me. When hubby was diagnosed with cancer in August last year, he took it calmly in his stride and refused chemotherapy.

He was very positive that he would overcome the inevitable by juicing and drinking anti- cancer plants in our garden. He didn’t think he would go off so soon and I went along with his wishes.

We spent much time together, cherishing life even more as the oncologist said he had only about 18 months to live. We wanted to prove him wrong by doing what we felt was right.

Alas, everything was fine until hubby’s birthday. My beloved began to lose his voice and finally, his health took a turn for the worse. Only then did I truly understand what the doctors had told us. Hubby may look healthy physically, but his cells within were self- destructing as his immunity system had deteriorated.

My darling husband died peacefully, sleeping beside me on a Saturday morning. I didn’t even realise that he had been dropping hints the night before.

I couldn’t accept his death and wished that I could see him one last time, hoping against hope that he would return and talk to me, at least for a few minutes. I waited nightly for him, and didn’t heed advice from friends and family. I chose to believe what I wanted instead.

Being the high- strung person that I am, I lived in a delirious state as if I was in a drunken stupor for days.

Finally, a divine message at a temple woke me up. My husband is gone and there is no way he will return.

I had to accept it and move on. It will pass. Time will heal.

I just offered prayers to my beloved together with my family recently.

I choose to be happy instead, and will move on for my sake and the children. It is a blessing to have the children around as they are my greatest comfort and consolation. Baby Kingsley’s timely arrival has made life even more worthwhile.

Darling, you are gone, but I feel your presence daily in whatever I do. I’m sure you would want me to stay happy.

In the next life, if there is indeed one, I would want to be your beloved spouse again.

Even though we shared 42 years together, it wasn’t enough for me. I see you in your grandson, whom everyone says resemble you.

My darling, rest in peace.