Rooting out the problem
WHEN you fight fire with fire, everyone burns. Wouldn’t that be the case with combating bullying by imposing harsher punishment?
Maybe a shift in mindset is needed. Maybe we do not need to treat bullying as something to wrestle into submission. It is, after all, the effect of a much more complex web of issues.
The underlying motivations that create a bully are vastly subjective. Imposing a blanket rule that condemns and punishes every bully the same way does not contribute to solving or ending bullying because the immediately apparent concern is often the smallest one.
Therefore, dealing with this problem with an objective, understanding hand has to come from a mature society that is interested in curing a bullying culture instead of stigmatising bullies.
“It is important that a child has a place she can go to when feeling sad or angry, or if she does not know what to do with her feelings. Most of the time, all it takes is the child having someone to talk to,” says Datin P.H. Wong, project director of Childline Malaysia, a national phone emergency outreach service for children in need of care and protection.
Malaysia ratified the Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC) in 1995 to uphold its commitment to the protection and welfare of the nation’s children.
The CRC recognises children as rights-holders who are entitled to be educated about their rights, but many are still not aware that they have a say in their own well-being.
“We need a nationwide culture that is the opposite of bullying. Respect breeds acceptance, while confidence builds resilience.
“Along with empathy, these are the social and emotional traits that our children are entitled to learn. Caregivers need to start asking themselves: Is it part of a child’s everyday habits to be kind to others? Are they learning to resolve conflict without violence?” says Wong.
Let’s look at a few elements ingrained in the psyche that, if prevented, could lead to progress in expunging bully culture.
Pointing fingers
Putting the blame on everyone but ourselves has become the norm, but we are all as much part of the problem as the solution.
Teachers blame parents who blame the media, not recognising that society as a whole has a responsibility to keep children safe.
Stereotyping children based on their family backgrounds and socioeconomic statuses does nothing to help, either, but it is the easiest response that many people fall on.
Some cite “broken families” as the reason children turn into bullies, yet there is no evidence to show that non-traditional family structures produce troubled children. However, plenty of documented bullies over the years come from standard families that check all the boxes under “normal”.
Children have the entire world to learn from. When one exhibits violent tendencies, it may be a lot more helpful when adults investigate where the behaviour stems from than to start blaming each other without assuming responsibility. Negative bias – People tend to retain more unpleasant memories than good ones, and the same applies to lessons. Negative emotions generally require more cognitive processing and leave a lasting impact on people, and formative life experiences are often based on tragedies or mishaps.
Published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin ,a 1997 study involving remembering and recalling words found that subjects recognised words with negative connotations more successfully than positive ones.
If people try harder to avoid and escape bad moods than to induce or prolong good moods, imagine then not just the immense effects of being bullied but also how serious the initial trauma that would drive a child to bully others was. Realising that, caregivers should be aware of how their actions will be mirrored by children. Scolding a child for spilling some food could very likely cause them to respond to similar situations in the same way towards other children, even if you praised them for cleaning up the mess later.
“To many people in Malaysia, caning was a normal part of childhood. Most of us think caning is a part of growing up.
“I always ask adults if they wanted to be caned and most of them say no, so why are we hitting our children? We are teaching them that the solution to someone misbehaving is physical violence,” says Wong. Surface-level treatment – Zero-tolerance policies in schools are set up as the end-all to bullying. They imply that bullies are synonymous with bad people, which is often not the case at all.
Understandably, schools are not allowed to spare much attention for the bully because their priority is to keep other students safe.
However, if a child enjoys causing harm to his peers, it is more important for his caregivers to focus on why he feels that way than to bemoan the fact that he does.
Seeking professional help to treat the underlying cause of his violent behaviour would go further than punishing him for responding in the only way he knows how.
That is not to say that older children who are perfectly aware of the cause and effect of their behaviour should be exempt from punishment, but being equipped by their caregivers with the skill to process and understand their emotions from a young age is instrumental in helping them develop more positive tendencies than violent ones. Bystander apathy – Children are constantly told to stay out of fights and not get involved because their safety comes first and, usually, the lesson ends there. In some cases, an adult is sought out to break up the fight.
However, these children have seen their peers or siblings be publicly punished for lesser offences. How would adults respond to this more serious case of misconduct? How would it affect other children and future arguments? The children’s code of honour is sacred and explicit: tattling is bad.
Consequently, ignoring that a fight is happening becomes the most logical response. The child is safe and out of the way with his honour intact, so what happens between other children is none of his business.
These silent bystanders soon turn apathetic to others being subject to verbal and nonverbal violence. Still others choose to watch instead.
Similar to drivers slowing down to look at a car crash on the highway, there is a degree of helpless fascination people find themselves subject to when there is someone else in trouble.
In a bully-versus-victim situation, the bully is also a threat towards bystanders to remain silent, especially when more than one bully is involved.
Investigating why a child is bullying others is important, as is teaching him how to manage his emotions.
Moving away from punishing bullies may open up a different world of possibilities in eradicating violence among children.
Investigating why a child is bullying others is important, as is teaching him how to manage his emotions.
If even adults need help interpreting and analysing mood changes and feelings, why shouldn’t children be afforded the same treatment?
While it is commendable that numerous solutions have been proposed for dealing with violence in children, more focus could be placed on prevention.
Merely parroting moral values out of a textbook may not be effective but leading by example is. After all, that is how bullies are created in the first place.
If we exclude abuse from our displays to children and replace it with compassion and empathy, would bullies never be created in the first place? We will never know until we try.
As monumental a task as it may seem, we can take small steps towards our goal. Abolishing the notion that adults have power over children, treating children as equals who need guidance and realising that children are simply unfamiliar with norms and expectations that come with experience could be the first steps in nudging the bullying culture into extinction.
All it takes is for every person to pause to take a look at their actions and move forward with a little more kindness in their hearts.